Should I tell my partner I was raped when I was a virgin?

Originally Published: November 13, 1998 - Last Updated / Reviewed On: January 7, 2005
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Dear Alice,

Well, the thing is that I have this boyfriend. He is twenty and I am seventeen. I really like, and am falling in love with, him. We have discussed sex, and he isn't a virgin, and neither am I, but I lied and said I was. I really want to tell him, but I'm afraid he'll get mad. My first time was with a guy who I had a crush on, and we went on a date, and he raped me. In my heart, I'm still a virgin, but, in definition, I am not. Should I tell my boyfriend?

Dear Reader,

Alice supports you in your desire to tell your boyfriend about your rape, and about what it means to you, just as you did here. Alice understands your concern about not wanting to make your boyfriend mad; however, you cannot control anyone else's behavior. If he's angry, or hurt, he has a right to his feelings. Similarly, you have a right to yours. If you are upset, or have unresolved emotions, about what happened to you (and it doesn't matter if it happened a while ago), many resources are available to get the help you need. Is there a counselor at school with whom you feel you could speak? Or, do you know of any counselors in your area with whom you could make an appointment? If not, you can always call a Rape Crisis Hotline, which is often in affiliation with a hospital or medical center -- check your phone book for the number of one in your area. These hotlines are staffed by caring people who have been trained to deal specifically with sexual assault, including rape, and the many issues surrounding it.

Telling someone about yourself is scary, and risky; however, Alice believes that someone you know has a right to know the real you, just as you deserve to be loved for who you are.

Also read Rape survivor needs help with intimate relationships, about a survivor who was also raped when a virgin.

Take care of yourself,

Alice

December 16, 2004

20833
Dear Alice,

Fellow friend, I, too, am in your definition a virgin in my heart, because i was also raped when i was younger. I am now 19, and i was raped when i was 12. If you think that you are a...

Dear Alice,

Fellow friend, I, too, am in your definition a virgin in my heart, because i was also raped when i was younger. I am now 19, and i was raped when i was 12. If you think that you are a Virgin (after being raped), then you are. You didn't give yourself to this other person, right? I am in the process of telling my parents that i have been raped and my boy-friend knows. If your current boy-friend won't support you, then it is up to you to decide to stay together or not. You are as pure as you think you are.

19 and in NY

November 23, 2004

20824
Dear Alice,

Hey sweetie... listen to me, ok? if you really like him and if that's the case, then you have to let him know... and rape is something very serious... it's not your fault at all......

Dear Alice,

Hey sweetie... listen to me, ok? if you really like him and if that's the case, then you have to let him know... and rape is something very serious... it's not your fault at all... not in any way! and if he likes you the same way you like him, then he will definitely understand. if not, then forget him... you need someone that can support you from what happened in the past and accept you for who you are. it is fine that in your mind, you are still a virgin and you can let him know that, no matter what... what's done is done, so tell him that he can be your first b.c you WANT to do it with him... so if it's ok with you guys, you can consider him who you lost your virginity to... things will be ok as long as you let him know!

May 24, 2002

20429
Dear Alice,

In response to SHOULD I TELL MY PARTNER I WAS RAPED WHEN I WAS A VIRGIN?, I can totally understand how this person is feeling. The same thing happened to me...

Dear Alice,

In response to SHOULD I TELL MY PARTNER I WAS RAPED WHEN I WAS A VIRGIN?, I can totally understand how this person is feeling. The same thing happened to me when I was younger. I always felt in my heart that I was still a virgin, too. I am now 19 and have been with my current partner for nearly three years. When we started dating, I never told him about what happened. When I eventually felt comfortable enough to tell him, he was totally understanding. He said that if I felt that I was still a virgin, then I should still count myself as being one. Telling him helped improve our relationship a lot. It explained many of my insecurities that I had. We have been together for three years and he has helped me to come to terms with what happened and to understand that life does go on. If your partner really loves you, then he will also understand and help you through it. The last comment that I shall make is that I know how you are feeling and you must be really scared to tell him, but please do not tell him until you are ready to.

x x