Getting him to get me off

Originally Published: November 7, 1997 - Last Updated / Reviewed On: July 18, 2014
Share this
Dear Alice,

My boyfriend has been having sex since he was thirteen years old, and yet when he's with me he makes no attempt at pleasing me. He doesn't know how (or he doesn't try) to turn me on, and he never helps me reach orgasm. In fact, I never have reached an orgasm with him. Besides this, he is a wonderful, loving boyfriend. How do I approach the subject tactfully? And if he really is clueless, how do I teach him how to do it right?

Dear Reader,

Even the most wonderful, loving boyfriends need a little (or a lot) of direction when it comes to pleasing their partners. Having delightful and satisfying sex with another person depends a great deal on communication. You see, dear reader, while the anatomy and body parts may be similar, the way nerve endings respond to different sensations varies from person to person. What is one person’s total turn-on, may not even register on another person’s pleasure meter. What brought a previous sexual partner to orgasm may not work for future partners.

You say your boyfriend makes no attempt at pleasing you. Does your boyfriend know what pleases you? Have you told him (explicitly) what turn’s you on, gets you excited, and provides pleasure? If not, this is probably the best place to start, but first, a question for you: Are you up to speed on what gets you off? Believe it or not, regardless of your age and sexual experience, taking time to explore and appreciate your body through masturbation is one of the best ways to identify what feels great, not so great, and what send’s you over the moon.

Now, back to ways you can approach your boyfriend. There are a myriad of ways to provide him with the keys to your pleasure chest. Here are a few ideas:

Tell him. You can really pick any time to do this, but to keep the pressure low, you may want to have this conversation outside of the bedroom – over a cup of coffee or while you’re having lunch, for example. It may be helpful to think about something your boyfriend does that you enjoy. You can lead with this and follow-up with a request. For example, you could say: “I really love when you kiss my neck — it’s such a turn-on! I would really like it if you kissed other parts of my body, too. In fact, I’m getting excited just thinking about all of the places your lips could touch.”   

Show him. For the visual learner, this technique can be quite exciting. If you’re able to orgasm when you masturbate, playing a little show and tell with your partner can provide him with quite the education. Masturbating in front of your partner might feel embarrassing at first, but what better way to show him exactly what makes you tick? It offers him the opportunity to learn just how you like to be touched. Another way to “show him” is by taking his hands in yours and moving them the ways you like being touched. If having him watch seems a little overwhelming, consider masturbating together.

Provide verbal feedback. Some prefer on-the-job training. Next time you’re getting down and dirty, provide positive reinforcement when your boyfriend does something that feels really good. If he goes down on you and is providing just the right amount of pressure, let him know. You could say, “Oh! That feels really good. Can you keep using your tongue just like that?” Similarly, if he’s doing something that doesn’t feel good, let him know. You can do this by saying things like, “A little softer, baby…” or “Can you keep doing what you’re doing, but use more pressure” or “Let’s take it really slow tonight.”

Once you provide your boyfriend with all the information, it’s up to him to follow your directions. A wonderful and loving boyfriend will most likely be on board with learning more about what pleases you. In fact, you may find the process of educating your lover a turn-on in and of itself.

Best of luck!

Alice