Questioning girlfriend's virginity

Originally Published: October 20, 1995 - Last Updated / Reviewed On: April 24, 2009
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Alice,

I had my first sexual experience with my girlfriend a few months ago. She told me she was a virgin, but after having intercourse, I didn't believe her and was hurt. She didn't seem to be in any pain, there was no bleeding, and there was no hymen. She makes up all these excuses like "not all girls have them." Should I believe her? Is there a sure-fire way of determining whether or not I was her first? It is making me angry. Can you ease my pain?

Romeo

Dear Romeo,

It is possible and quite common for a woman to be a virgin and to not have pain or blood during her first intercourse. There are many reasons for this to be the case. Perhaps her hymen, the thin membrane inside the vaginal opening, had already been stretched or torn. Among the possibilities, a regular gynecological exam, horseback riding, or inserting a tampon could have done the trick. Or it's possible that her hymen, which only partially blocks the vaginal opening, just stretched out of the way. The question Hymen stretching in Alice's archives has more information that may be useful. To flip your thought process, you might even consider your girlfriend's lack of discomfort during your first time a compliment, reflecting her attraction to you and/or your sexual prowess.

However, your question begs other questions. Is there a reason why you are so mistrusting of what your girlfriend is telling you? Do you have cause to doubt her words? Perhaps you tend to have a hard time trusting people close to you? It might be helpful to talk with someone about your feelings regarding this situation. Columbia students can talk to a counselor at Counseling and Psychological Services as an individual or a couple. You can make an appointment through by calling x4-2878. If you're not at Columbia, consider a trusted advisor, spiritual guide, a close friend, or contact your health care provider for a referral. Talking through your concerns may help you to build closer and more trusting interpersonal relationships.

There is no sure-fire way of knowing whether you were her first, other than explaining this is something really important to you and asking for the truth. Then it's your job to believe what your partner tells you. If you still don't, it might be worth examining why not. Strong relationships are built on honesty, communication, trust, and respect much more than whether each person was a virgin before they had sex with each other.

Best of luck giving trust a try,

Alice

April 24, 2009

21529

To the reader:

When I had sex for the first time, I was shocked. There was no pain. Not whatsoever. I felt like I was cheated out of part of my first time experience, I felt like all this...

To the reader:

When I had sex for the first time, I was shocked. There was no pain. Not whatsoever. I felt like I was cheated out of part of my first time experience, I felt like all this time I had been getting myself ready for pain and blood, and then felt nothing. Turns out my hymen had already broken and I'm relatively wide. I felt so cheated and upset, and I can only imagine if the man I trusted and loved and had shared this experience with had accused me of not being honest with him when I had no idea what was going on with my own body. Just because a girls body doesn't behave the way society says it should does NOT mean its weird or that she's lying. Yes, some women lie (so do some men), but if you love someone and she loves you enough to trust you with her first time having sex, you should be able to trust that she is telling you the truth.

March 6, 2009

21522
To the reader:

I thought that being worried about a girl not being a virgin was something from the old days. I am 68 and was never concerned about it. It is a little different today because of...

To the reader:

I thought that being worried about a girl not being a virgin was something from the old days. I am 68 and was never concerned about it. It is a little different today because of sexually transmitted infections, but if you're worried about that, get checked by a doctor. As women grow older, the virgins disappear. Good advice from Alice.