Prolonging arousal/Lasting longer

Originally Published: February 2, 1996 - Last Updated / Reviewed On: March 21, 2013
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Dear Alice,

What is the best way to learn how to prolong male orgasm when having intercourse? It seems that I might get thirty seconds of penetration before I blow my top. I'd like it if I could enjoy the situation and add to my partner's pleasure by helping her orgasm.

Help!!

Dear Help!!,

It seems that you are describing two issues: one is lasting longer before you orgasm, and the other is helping your partner orgasm. First, orgasm is a learned response. People learn what kind of stimulations and touching effectively brings them to orgasm. Think about what stimulates your rapid-response pattern and consider trying other types of touch and stimulation (slower, softer, faster, etc.); variation can introduce new pleasures, and may help turn-off an autopilot orgasm response.

Some men may have learned to reach orgasm rapidly because they had no privacy when they were young and needed to finish masturbating quickly, before someone walked in. Yet, many men also consider it desirable to extend their pleasure and the pleasure of their partner(s). If you want to learn to last longer, your challenge is to increase the amount of time you spend in arousal.

You might try the "Stop-Start" method. For example, when you feel you are approaching the point of no return, stop what you are doing with and to your partner, and just do nothing, or hold each other, until the urge to ejaculate subsides. Then start again and stop again when you feel you are approaching orgasm. It may take a few tries to identify the point of no return, and to stop before then, but you do have the rest of your life to practice and "get it right." You might try telling your partner when you need her to slow down or stop her movements for the moment, try having sex with her on top, and relaxing for a couple of seconds.

The second issue that you raise is the pressure you feel to help your partner orgasm. It might help to increase communication with your partner about both of your experiences during intercourse. Have you spoken with her about what you want? Have you asked her about what she wants? You can't read your partner's mind (nor can she read yours) and you might find that her answers surprise you. By sharing and exploring your desires you can enhance both of your sexual experiences. One way to start the conversation may be to buy a book and read about new positions, techniques, and methods together.

Lasting longer can take patience and practice. Hopefully, these suggestions will help you and your partner reach new heights!

Alice

September 25, 2006

21104
Alice,

Sometimes it may be embarrassing to bring up the subject of the "stop and start" method to partners. One way to do this without bringing attention to the problem is to change positions...

Alice,

Sometimes it may be embarrassing to bring up the subject of the "stop and start" method to partners. One way to do this without bringing attention to the problem is to change positions before "the point of no return." This will give both partners a chance to re-situate and calm down, so to speak. You can also engage in oral sex between positions to keep your partner interested.

June 11, 2004

20629
Hi Alice, Great page. In response to "lasting longer," try telling the men -- When you have a piss, try and stop the flow mid-stream, sort-a-speak. Can you feel the muscle you used to stop the flow...
Hi Alice, Great page. In response to "lasting longer," try telling the men -- When you have a piss, try and stop the flow mid-stream, sort-a-speak. Can you feel the muscle you used to stop the flow? It's this muscle that controls the flow of semen. By learning to control this muscle, you can "last longer." With enough practice, it also keeps the penis in a "hard-on state." K

March 31, 2000

20348

Dear Alice,

I've read numerous inquiries in your column from young men looking for ways to delay their orgasm, and thought I'd put my two cents worth in.

Throughout my teens and...

Dear Alice,

I've read numerous inquiries in your column from young men looking for ways to delay their orgasm, and thought I'd put my two cents worth in.

Throughout my teens and twenties (I'm thirty-eight now), I had an embarrassing tendency to come within thirty seconds or less during intercourse, or sometimes during foreplay. I masturbated frequently during this time frame, as most men do, and realize now that I had inadvertently conditioned myself to ejaculate quickly. I'm not condemning masturbation -- I still indulge occasionally, even though I'm happily married now -- but this is a hard cycle to break. One trick I learned to make masturbation work to my advantage is to bring myself right to the brink of climax a few hours before sex; this tends to delay my orgasm to some extent, and makes it more voluminous and pleasurable.

There are probably lots of other physical techniques to prevent premature orgasm that work to varying degrees with different people, but the big thing is to remember that sex is the proverbial garden of delights, as trite as it may sound. Take your time, sample a little bit of everything, don't be afraid to experiment, and don't be in such a hell-fired hurry to get on with the "main event." Make love to a woman's entire body, not just her vagina and clitoris, and remember that your penis is not the only part of your body that can give pleasure.

And when you do get off too quickly, don't let it end there. I remember one occasion during my early twenties when I came all over the mattress beneath me while performing oral sex on my girlfriend. I continued until she was sated, and when I apologetically revealed the puddle of semen on the bed, rather than being dismayed, she felt delighted and flattered that I should reach orgasm so readily, such was my obvious arousal at being with her. Use your body and your imagination to their fullest, and you will both feel more gratification than an orgasm alone can bring.

Most of all, don't get buried in feelings of inadequacy. It's normal and natural for men to come quickly and frequently, going back to the cave man days when this was necessary for the survival of the species. It takes practice, patience, and a thorough knowledge of yourself, both physically and mentally, that only comes with time.

Please pardon this lengthy and ineloquent dissertation, Alice. I hope someone benefits from these thoughts.

Yours truly,
Slowhand

October 8, 1999

20331
Hey Alice, I've got the same problem with my girlfriend. What I do is if I know we're going to have sex, I go and masturbate really quickly and get it out of my system. That way, when she comes over...
Hey Alice, I've got the same problem with my girlfriend. What I do is if I know we're going to have sex, I go and masturbate really quickly and get it out of my system. That way, when she comes over about five minutes later, I have the capacity to get erect AND have massive durability.