Partner is silent during sex
Originally Published: March 2, 2001 - Last Updated / Reviewed On: February 13, 2009
When I perform oral sex, or real sex, to my boyfriend, I notice that he doesn't make any sounds at all, not even when he ejaculates, but I know that he likes it. He tells his friends that it is rather enjoyable, and I can tell during it, usually from his body motions, but he doesn't make a peep. What does this mean? Is he really not enjoying it?
—no sound from boyfriend
Dear no sound from boyfriend,
Not everyone makes a commotion at climax; it's possible to remain silent while stimulated, including at orgasm time. Although he may not express himself verbally, inside your boyfriend may be panting, moaning, and yelling your name, but keeps his mouth shut for fear of letting anyone within earshot in on what's going down. Many people — especially when young — are taught that sexual activities — masturbation, oral sex, intercourse, etc. — are best kept secret. This belief remains with many adults long after mom or dad would ever "catch" us in a sex act, but is powerful enough to keep us quiet for a long time. His stillness and apparent lack of reaction could also come from feeling nervous, tense, or uncomfortable with part or all of what's going on. A few more ideas:
- Consider what your partner is like during at parties or during conversations. Is he normally on the quieter or more reserved side?
- You may try mentioning to him that you wouldn't mind hearing him express his pleasure.
- You could also try setting an example for him by expressing your own pleasure (hopefully you have reason to do so).
It's definitely nice to know how your partner is feeling during sex, so how might you turn up the volume on what he thinks about your intimate times? You could ask him and talk about all this together, rather than rely on news updates from his friends. If you approach this subject with him in a calm, supportive way, he might see that it's okay, and even hot and helpful, to talk about this personal stuff with you. Such talk may not produce more audible and observable pleasure, but you might gain insight that makes this alright.
One more thought for now: you mentioned that you might consider oral sex different from "real sex." Although some consider anything other than heterosexual penis-in-vagina-to-orgasm-sex to not be real sex, other types of sex can be just as important, serious, meaningful, commitment making, and/or "risky." And lots of people consider oral, anal, and other sexual activities to be "real" sex as well. Increasing the significance of other types of pleasurable activities in your relationship could make them more enjoyable and worth shaking and shouting about. These are just some considerations that may shed light on your peep-free partner situation and help you to communicate better about both of your needs and desires.
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February 5, 200921395
From personal experience, I don't think that this is uncommon. I've noticed that men tend to be quieter while women tend to be more vocal. One way you can tell if he is enjoying it...
From personal experience, I don't think that this is uncommon. I've noticed that men tend to be quieter while women tend to be more vocal. One way you can tell if he is enjoying it is to get cues from his facial expressions. Of course the main cue is from his penis's physiological response.
I know it may seem embarassing at first, but talking about how it feels during sex may be helpful. Open communication is important so that both partners feel comfortable and satisfied.
August 26, 200520934
Some partners may be enjoying the moment so much that they don't feel like talking or making any noises. Why does silence automatically send the signal of disapproval? Maybe we like...
Some partners may be enjoying the moment so much that they don't feel like talking or making any noises. Why does silence automatically send the signal of disapproval? Maybe we like to enjoy our orgasms in silence to experience all of the other sensations that are rippling through our bodies. Pressuring us to verbalize our experience makes us feel phony and nervous. If you are doing your job "right," do you constantly need comments from the peanut gallery to validate your performance? RELAX. Listen to your body instead of the well rehearsed bad porn dialog. Try it, you just might like it!