Partner is silent during sex

Originally Published: March 2, 2001 - Last Updated / Reviewed On: June 3, 2013
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Alice,

When I perform oral sex, or real sex, to my boyfriend, I notice that he doesn't make any sounds at all, not even when he ejaculates, but I know that he likes it. He tells his friends that it is rather enjoyable, and I can tell during it, usually from his body motions, but he doesn't make a peep. What does this mean? Is he really not enjoying it?

— no sound from boyfriend

Dear no sound from boyfriend,

Not everyone makes a commotion at climax; it's possible to remain silent while stimulated, including at orgasm time. Although he may not express himself verbally, inside your boyfriend may be panting, moaning, and yelling your name, but keeps his mouth shut for fear of letting anyone within earshot in on what's going down. Many people — especially when young — are taught that sexual activities — masturbation, oral sex, intercourse, etc. — are best kept secret. This belief remains with many adults long after mom or dad would ever "catch" us in a sex act, but is powerful enough to keep us quiet for a long time. His stillness and apparent lack of reaction could also come from feeling nervous, tense, or uncomfortable with part or all of what's going on. A few more ideas:

  • Consider what your partner is like during at parties or during conversations. Is he normally on the quieter or more reserved side?
  • You may try mentioning to him that you wouldn't mind hearing him express his pleasure.
  • You could also try setting an example for him by expressing your own pleasure (hopefully you have reason to do so).

It's definitely nice to know how your partner is feeling during sex, so how might you turn up the volume on what he thinks about your intimate times? You could ask him and talk about all this together, rather than rely on news updates from his friends. If you approach this subject with him in a calm, supportive way, he might see that it's okay, and even hot and helpful, to talk about this personal stuff with you. Such talk may not produce more audible and observable pleasure, but you might gain insight that makes this alright.

One more thought for now: you mentioned that you might consider oral sex different from "real sex." Although some consider anything other than heterosexual penis-in-vagina-to-orgasm-sex to not be "real" sex, other types of sex can be just as important, serious, meaningful, commitment making, and/or "risky." And lots of people consider oral, anal, and other sexual activities to be "real" sex as well. It's important to practice safer sex behaviors during oral sex, too. Check out Columbia's safer sex map for locations of free safer sex supplies around campus. Increasing the significance of other types of pleasurable activities in your relationship could make them more enjoyable and worth shaking and shouting about. These are just some considerations that may shed light on your peep-free partner situation and help you to communicate better about both of your needs and desires.

Alice

January 22, 2013

522181
If he squirms when you're pleasuring him I wouldn't worry so much, that may be the way he just is, or he might be shy and need a little encouragement to let go.
If he squirms when you're pleasuring him I wouldn't worry so much, that may be the way he just is, or he might be shy and need a little encouragement to let go.

May 18, 2012

511346
My fiancé is the same! When we first started having sex I would always ask if he enjoys it. In fact, I still do. He reassures me that he does and it doesn't phase me much any more. I can feel and...
My fiancé is the same! When we first started having sex I would always ask if he enjoys it. In fact, I still do. He reassures me that he does and it doesn't phase me much any more. I can feel and see his body spasm so I'm quite positive he's enjoying it as much as I am even though he may not be as loud.