One night stand or more?

Originally Published: December 1, 1993 - Last Updated / Reviewed On: September 3, 2010
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Oh Alice...

My friend and I went to a male strip club last Saturday. One of which caught my eye. I would have chickened out if the guy we were with hadn't gone over to him and brought him back. We talked for a while and then went back to my friend's house β€” I was so attracted to this guy I could have died. We started to fool around and things got heavy so he went out to the store (CONDOMS, CONDOMS, CONDOMS!!!).

He seemed very sensitive in the way he acted, letting me know that it would go only as far as I wanted it to, afterwards asking me about how I was doing, how I was feeling β€” he even started cooking the next morning. After breakfast, though, things got a little weird when he expressed that he wanted to see me again and I took his number, but didn't give him mine. Of course, I also told him that I'm living with a guy who I've been going out with, but that I am moving out in the next month β€” I felt that I'd better be honest...

How seriously should I take this guy? How much of what he told me should I believe? Do you think that this guy just has sex and moves on? I didn't initiate the subject of seeing him again, although I would totally be into that. How should I handle the subject of the guy I live with??? HELP!!!

β€”Strip Club Junkie

Dear Strip Club Junkie,

So many questions, so little time, so let's get down to business. The great news is that there are answers for all of your queries; the not so great news is that there are a host of possible answers. The bottom line is that the people best equipped to answer most of them are you and your hunky hook-up. Here are some ideas on how to start that conversation:

You've got his number in hand, so consider giving him a call. Although you've already hit all the proverbial "bases," consider stepping back up to bat and take a few practice hits. Hanging out casually and getting to know each other may help you determine how serious he is about dating, whether he is as honest as he seems, and whether he viewed your rendezvous as a one time hit only. It may also help you figure out whether your physical attraction has deeper roots and whether you two are in sync when it comes to other important relationship factors like personal values and interests.

The fact that you're able to recognize that your sexual attraction could have clouded your initial judgment of him may help you avoid heartache, but consider giving him the benefit of the doubt. Instead of judging him by his evening job or the circumstances under which you two met, try looking at the bigger picture. You refer to him as responsible enough to go out to buy condoms and as sensitive, and you both clearly want to see each other again. The way to learn whether your relationship with him could hit it out of the ballpark is to step up to the plate.

Similarly, with your current boyfriend/roommate, the best way to answer your questions is to consider communicating with him. Are you both on the same page with wanting to end the relationship? Have you both moved on? You seem to be nervous to tell your roommate about your exotic dancer, so ask yourself why this is and let that guide your plan of action. If you're concerned about coming straight out and telling him that you're seeing other people, perhaps open up the conversation by discussing the limits and boundaries you both expect in this last month of living in the same apartment. Together, you might be able to come up with an agreement on how exclusive you want your relationship to be.

Albeit, every person and every relationship is different, so there isn't one clear solution to the situation you're currently in, but by being open and communicating to both of your boys, you may be able to find the answers you're searching for. If you need more guidance on how to address this situation, Columbia students can make an appointment with Counseling and Psychological Services by calling x4-2878.

Remember, there are plenty of other four letter words related to sex and relationships, but one of the most important is "talk," so speak up!

Alice