Okay, but how do you sit on a bidet?

Originally Published: February 8, 2002 - Last Updated / Reviewed On: April 24, 2014
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Dear Alice,

Here's a Hey, what's a bidet? — follow-up question: I was glad to see an explanation for the purpose of a bidet. I've seen them in other countries and in upscale homes here. I still don't understand, though, just exactly HOW one uses it. There is no actual seat. Are you supposed to "hover" over the water jets, or what?

Thanks!

Dear Reader,

Last week on Bidets of Our Lives, Jackie and Johnny Genitals discovered something very strange in their bathroom: "No, Johnny,... that's a toilet, not a water fountain!" It quickly became clear to the American couple that this Mini Me of a commode was a bona fide bidet (rhymes with "hooray," "relay," and "filet"). It is commonly used in the lands of Europe, Asia, and Latin America to clean external genitalia when toilet paper and showers are inefficient, difficult, painful, impossible, or just too passé to use.

Bidet in French originally meant "small horse," and was assigned to the appliance in question in the 15th Century by soldiers on horseback who, with few bathing options, wanted at least to clean the parts of themselves that were forever up close and personal with their saddles. Thus, "straddling the pony" became slang for using a bidet, and may give you a good visual to accompany this user's guide. You climb aboard a standard bidet the opposite direction that you would sit on a toilet. You're right, bidets don't have seats like toilets, so may most of your "rides" be in warm places. If your unit is the kind that sprays up from the basin, then it's pretty much an auto-wash, and dry-off with a towel. Some bidets fill up like sinks that require the washee to do a little more work. If used properly, your body should keep the water in the bidet where it belongs.

As we learned in the last episode, new bidets nowadays are often built into conventional toilets — a one-stop shop feature, especially helpful for people who prefer not to jump from one "throne" to the next.

Giddy up,

Alice

February 15, 2002

20403

Alice,

Too bad Hey, what's a bidet? and Okay, but how do you sit on a bidet? weren't posted on the wall of my hotel bathroom in Norway...

Alice,

Too bad Hey, what's a bidet? and Okay, but how do you sit on a bidet? weren't posted on the wall of my hotel bathroom in Norway back in 1974 when I was ten, and when my Norwegian father and I (an American) vacationed there. Shortly after discovering that "thing" next to the toilet, I turned it on and washed my face in it. It was the right height for a little kid to wash up before dinner, but thanks to my father's horror upon entering the bathroom while I was in mid-wash, I quickly learned that bidets were for little "heads," not big ones.
So, I guess that I'm one answer to anyone who read these questions and thought, "Who in their right mind would stick anything but their genitals in something that looks, feels, and sits next to a... toilet?"