My lover never ejaculates

Originally Published: February 9, 2001 - Last Updated / Reviewed On: September 4, 2009
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Dear Alice,

My new lover never ejaculates, and to say it concerns me is an understatement. He says he's never come... what can I do? Though he enjoys being intimate, I just feel like it's unfair that he can never finish. Please help, I'm at a loss and am feeling inadequate — everyone I've ever been with before has been easy to stimulate to orgasm.

Dear Reader,

Given the situation, it's understandable that you may have feelings of inadequacy. Your lover may be having this experience for a number of different reasons that likely has little to do with you. Therefore, it's unfair to compare him to your past partners. And, it's unfair for you to feel that you're ultimately responsible for his orgasms, because there are two of you "working" on this together.

Every individual responds differently to sexual pleasuring. Some people become aroused easily and are able to orgasm without much effort. Other people take longer or have difficulty orgasming. Some men orgasm without ejaculation (and vice-versa) since they're two distinct physiological reactions.

You may find that talking with your lover "outside of the bedroom" in a non-threatening and sincere way can be helpful to you both. Express to him how the situation makes you feel. Find out how he feels. While you think that it's unfair that your partner never "finishes," a gratifying sexual experience doesn't have to end in orgasm. Perhaps you'll find out that he's sexually satisfied even though he doesn't climax. If you haven't already discussed what turns him on and how he likes to be touched, use this as an opportunity. Tell him what you enjoy as well. When you're intimate, experiment with these desires, shifting your focus away from the "orgasm" and concentrating on other aspects of pleasure and intimacy. See if the situation improves; if not, then both of you may want to further explore the reason(s) for why this is happening.

You wrote that your lover says that he's never come. Does he ever ejaculate? How about when he's by himself? If yes, does he feel finished, or still high and dry? If he has never orgasmed or ejaculated in his life — either alone or with a partner — it may be due to physical or psychological issues. A urologist is a place to start. His primary care provider can refer him to a urologist. If your partner checks out physically, the next step may be a referral to a certified sex therapist.

If your partner's not comfortable talking with you about this matter, let him know that you care. Share this and other related answers in Alice's Sexuality archive with him, and let him seek additional help when he's ready. To find a sex therapist in his area, visit the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) web site and click on the "Locate a Professional" link.

For more information, check out the following Q&As in Alice's Sexuality archive:

Alice