My girlfriend doesn't want me to wear a condom... but I do

Originally Published: March 14, 2003 - Last Updated / Reviewed On: July 13, 2011
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Alice,

I am a guy, and well, me and my girlfriend want sex, but she says she wants me to not use a condom so I can get the real feeling. But, I don't want a child at my age and at this point. How can I tell her that I want to use condoms?

Dear Reader,

Okay, we've got one vote for condoms and one vote against, thoughtful concerns about your pleasure factor, and equally thoughtful concerns about becoming a father in the near future.

It's not clear how much you both have talked about this, but it's important to talk, express yourself, and listen. You can explain how you feel about unprotected sex and why this is important to you, being honest and clear.

You can say something like, "I care about you and want to talk with you about something that's important to me... We both want to be close and have pleasure, but I am not ready to be a father right now. Before we have sex, we need to talk about preventing unwanted pregnancy." This conversation can play out in many ways, so it's impossible to script the entire conversation. When you are ready to talk with her, find a time when you can both sit down in a "safe space," where you will not be distracted or interrupted.

Condoms can protect you and your girlfriend from unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STIs). If both you and your partner have tested negative for STIs and you are in a monogamous relationship with each other, then the birth control pill, the female condom, diaphragm, cervical cap, Depo provera, the contraceptive patch, NuvaRing, and the IUD are contraceptive methods worth thinking about, and some can be used with a male condom.

You and your girlfriend can research the advantages and disadvantages of these contraceptive methods available to you. Alice's Sexual Health archive has extensive information about safer sex and contraception, including effectiveness, advantages, and disadvantages of various methods.

While many people who use condoms have healthy sexual relationships, men sometimes report that wearing a condom during sex diminishes sensation. However, using a dab of lube inside and outside of the condom can help. Some men report using a condom slows down their urge to orgasm, making intercourse last longer. Condoms are widely available in every size, shape, texture, thickness, and color, making condoms a fun addition to sex, rather than a burden.

The point of all this is to open up options for both of you. Conversations that include statements such as, "We both want to give and get pleasure — the ways we want to touch and be touched, and also be safer. Let's find things upon which we can both agree."

Alice

December 19, 2003

20521
Hey Alice, Well, I guess it's nice of your girlfriend to think of your pleasure besides just her own, but I mean... but, not wearing a condom? It only takes one time to get pregnant/get a girl...
Hey Alice, Well, I guess it's nice of your girlfriend to think of your pleasure besides just her own, but I mean... but, not wearing a condom? It only takes one time to get pregnant/get a girl pregnant and if you end up doing that, you are responsible for that child. I mean, who would want to risk it? The safer method besides not having sex at all, would be a condom and also birth control pills. I say, if your girlfriend refuses to let you have sex with a condom on, then hold off having sex with her until you two talk some more about it and get things straightened out. Be smart, I know you are or you wouldn't have asked this question! best of luck, ashleigh