Missing the kissing

Originally Published: September 1, 1994 - Last Updated / Reviewed On: April 22, 2011
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Alice,

What do I do about a man who no longer kisses me during sex? We still have sex on a regular basis, but he no longer looks at me while we have sex. He always covers his face when we are together. It has been months since he has kissed me. I am starving for affection. I happen to be in love with this man.

—Chapped lips

Dear Chapped lips,

To find out why this man has stopped the smooching, you may need to start moving your lips for a different reason — to communicate by way of talking.  A dose of healthy communication with your partner about your sexual and emotional needs and desires will most likely lead you to a better understanding of the current situation.

Before you start the conversation, consider ruling out any physical reasons why your partner has stopped kissing you. It's possible there's a simple reason for his change in behavior. Maybe he developed cold sores and is embarrassed or doesn't know what to do about them, or he could be worried about his breath (or yours).

Since it takes two people to kiss, have you tried initiating kissing him? If yes, how did he respond? This will give you a little more information about the situation.  

To start the convo, try letting him know that you really like kissing, and that you like to look at him when you're having sex. Let him know that you've been missing this affection and that it means a lot to you. Give him a chance to respond; find out if this is just a phase he's going through, if it has been an unconscious behavior on his part, or if it's evidence of something else that may be going on in your relationship.

Sometimes it helps to enlist a professional to help mediate between you and your partner about relationship and sexuality issues. Counseling and Psychological Services (CPS) offers both couples and individual counseling to Columbia students and their partners. To make an appointment you can call x4-2878.

Since you love this man, talk with him and let him know how you feel, and find out what's going on. It can bring you closer, or give you the information you need to move forward.

S.W.A.K. (Sealed With a Kiss),

Alice