Miss ex-girlfriend, or is it something else?

Originally Published: May 1, 1994 - Last Updated / Reviewed On: August 2, 2013
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Hello there Alice,

I have broken up for about a year and I have never had female problems. I am active (sexually) and never really had problems. But recently, I really started to miss my ex-girlfriend and I have been feeling kind of down. I can usually perform very well in bed, at least that's what my girlfriend says, and the thing is... I can usually have intercourse for two to three hours before coming but recently, I wasn't able to hold it in. I was wondering if it was my depression or something.

I also lost interest in my present girlfriend. She has the finest body a guy could want, but I am just not interested anymore. I kind of want some advice on my depression. Should I get in contact with my ex? Should I tell my girlfriend about this? I also want to know if there are exercises to train a guy to hold in his orgasm? Well, hopefully you can help me out. Thanks.

Signed,
Reconsidering

Dear Reconsidering,

Depression, stress, and poor health may all have negative effects on a man's sexual well-being. The stress and pressure felt when men believe they aren't performing up to par may cause even more guilt and negative feelings. For physical exercises to last longer in bed, please see the related Q&As below. Perhaps addressing the psychological side of orgasms may solve this trouble. What may be of more help for you is to relax, if you can, and sort out your current relationship troubles.

Your current girlfriend may have the "finest body," but relationships aren't all about looks. What else do you enjoy about her? Think about why you are missing your ex-girlfriend. Did you have needs (other than sexual ones) fulfilled by being in a relationship with her that are not satisfied with your current girlfriend? What kind of needs might they be? Perhaps you may enrich your current relationship in those ways, or maybe you don't want to. If not, you may try spending some time not being in a relationship as you figure out your feelings.

Missing your ex-girlfriend may be causing some of your current issues. On the other hand, you may be missing your ex simply because of your current troubles. What made the two of you break up? Is it still possible to resolve the issue(s)? Or, can you be friends with your ex, while healing yourself, or while being in your current relationship? Perhaps it makes sense to contact your ex, as a friend.

A talk with a trusted friend or family member might help as you sort out your feelings. If you go to Columbia, you can also make an appointment with a mental health provider for individual or couples counseling at Counseling and Psychological Services by calling 212-854-2878 (Morningside) or 212-305-3400 (CUMC). The friend, family member, or provider may offer you support through this.

Strengthening your body and particularly your relationships may help strengthen your hours of bedroom pleasures. Your body will most likely respond accordingly as your feelings become clearer.

Alice