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I am a twenty-one-year-old male student and still a virgin, I am very shy and do not have any girlfriends. I masturbate almost every day, but desperately want to have real sex. I have thought about paying a prostitute, but I am not sure. Are there any groups for people in my situation, i.e., people who want to lose their virginity and be normal?
Virgin
Dear Virgin,
Normal by whose criteria? Everyone wants to be normal. Of course you are normal if you are a virgin at twenty-one, but peer pressure may try to force you to feel you're not. At what point does being a virgin seem abnormal? There are plenty of twenty-one-year-old male virgins around; however, you will never know since they will not tell you. To them, it remains a private matter. It is not considered acceptable for men to be virgins since, with socialization, they believe it is their job and responsibility to be sexually knowledgeable and experienced.
Try thinking about your virginity in another way. How would your life change if you were no longer a virgin? What would be different? From your letter, it seems more important to you to no longer be a virgin than it is to have a girlfriend. Is that true for you? What is it about being a virgin that is a burden to you?
Think about the possibility of finding someone you want to get to know better, someone who you might like to spend time with, and someone you think you could feel comfortable with, so that a relationship may grow. This path of rethinking your goal and plan will help you connect with another person rather than focus on the isolation. As Alice sees it, it is not your virginity that is the problem, but your sense of isolation and loneliness.
Alice is glad you asked about a group. When you think of joining a group, however, Alice would suggest finding one where you are interested in being involved, rather than focusing on your "problem." If you find a social, political, or community service organization where you feel committed to the issues, you will be more likely to meet others who feel the way you do. You can build on this and cultivate quality relationships.
Alice's hunch is that the more time you spend with others, involved with issues you want to learn more about or are committed to, your need to "devirginize" will subside.
Also read everything you can about sexuality, since when you finally do choose to devirginize, you will be prepared with knowledge for how to be a good lover not only to yourself, but to your partner as well. The two "bibles" are almost anything written by Lonnie G. Barbach (for example, For Each Other: Sharing Sexual Intimacy), and Bernie Zilbergeld's book, The New Male Sexuality.
In the meantime, rethink your ideas about masturbation. Masturbation is real sex. What it isn't, at this point, is partner sex. Masturbation can relieve the tension of sexual energy, and even loneliness, temporarily. Clearly, you can still masturbate as you go on your search for a larger social network, and, ultimately, a partner with whom to share your feelings, activities, closeness, joy, humor, and sexuality as well. Finally, many people masturbate even when they have a partner. It is a part of their sexuality, not a partner replacement. So, as you search for a partner, enjoy yourself every step of the way.
