Dear Alice,
I just started on-line dating, and I really enjoy it! I have met some nice people, but I have also met some who seemed a little off and were not 100% honest about who they...
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Alice,
I recently (about one month ago) met a guy on-line and we have been BF, GF for about three weeks now. Every one is worried about what will happen when we finally see each other for the first time. I just want to meet him. I feel as if I have known him for all my life. We talk all the time and he always tells me that he loves me. How can I be sure that what he says is what he really means?
Please answer me...
Lost in LOVE
Dear Lost in LOVE,
Meeting someone online is becoming a more common way to meet potential friends, activity partners, and yes, love interests. In fact, according to the online dating industry, 20 million single adults visit online dating sites each month. While more and more people are starting a relationship online (some of which end up being long-term), the process is not without its risks. It sounds like you've made a connection with a person and are interested in exploring that connection further. By taking some precautions, you can meet your online boyfriend and start to get a better idea of how he really feels about you, and just as important, how you feel about him.
One factor to consider is that although you've communicated online and over the phone with your boyfriend, he is still in many respects a stranger. We may wish it weren't so, but people do lie about themselves online. As you decide whether or not to meet him, you may want to prepare yourself to deal with the possibility that he has not been truthful about his age, job, background, relationship status, or other important parts of his life.
Here are some tips for staying safe when meeting any online friend in person:
- Take your time — you don't have to meet right away. Getting to know someone through email, messaging, and the phone can help you understand who they are and how interested you are in meeting.
- Meet in a public place, and bring a friend along. For example, you could meet at a shopping center and have your friend nearby. Not only can your friend help get you out of any sticky situations, s/he can also debrief with you later about what you think of your new friend.
- Do not meet someone alone. If s/he insists on meeting alone, there should be big, flashing warning lights going off in your mind. Someone who is truly interested in you will be happy to meet in public.
- Tell others where you're going and why. You could even give any contact information you have for this person to a trusted friend. Some people also ask a friend to call them with an "emergency," so they will have an excuse to leave if the meeting isn't going well.
- Continue to meet in public for awhile. Don't go home with this person until you know her/him well (knowing someone well includes knowing some of their friends, and having had some of your friends or family meet her/him, knowing their living situation, and being able to speak openly with her/him about what you are and are not comfortable with).
As you can see, the main emphasis when meeting someone new is to let people who care about you know where you will be and who you will be with. Telling a friend or family member has the added benefit of creating a supportive network of people who will be able to discuss your feelings with you before and after you meet your online acquaintance.
Moving on to your question about if your online boyfriend "really means" when he says he loves you — no one can determine this except for you and him. It may help to ask yourself some questions, such as:
- How do I feel about him telling me he loves me so often? Do I really think that it's possible for him to know he loves me so soon, without meeting in person?
- How do I feel about him, based on our conversations so far? Am I interested in knowing him better?
- You mention that your friends and family are concerned. Why is that? Are they concerned for your safety? Are they afraid you will be disappointed when you meet your boyfriend?
If you do meet him, a few different things may happen: you may find out you have been deceived and feel disappointed, sad, confused or upset; you may find out he was truthful, but also realize that you are not really interested in having a romantic relationship with him; or you may meet him and continue to be interested in dating him. Even after meeting him (if you decide to), it may still take some time to understand his true feelings; this is simply the nature of getting to know someone — it takes time.
It's clear from your question that you have made a connection with someone you feel understands you. These types of connections are important to have, and can turn into friendships and/or romantic relationships. However, remind yourself as often as you need to that there is no hurry; taking time to get to know someone is the best way to figure out your true feelings, as well as theirs.
Best of luck and be safe,
June 29, 2009
Dear Alice,
I just started on-line dating, and I really enjoy it! I have met some nice people, but I have also met some who seemed a little off and were not 100% honest about who they really were. It is possible to find love on the internet, but you need to make sure you are taking precautions. My main advice... meet in a public place and let someone close to you know where you are at all times.
December 3, 2007
Dear Alice,
Not everyone you meet from the internet is a creepy pervert. I agree you should always exercise caution with anyone you meet. I know you've probably heard many of the horror...
Dear Alice,
Not everyone you meet from the internet is a creepy pervert. I agree you should always exercise caution with anyone you meet. I know you've probably heard many of the horror stories from internet dating. However, my husband and I are an example that love can start online and trascend into the real world. My husband and I have been together for almost 10 years, 6.5 of which we have been married.
Meeting someone online is just like meeting someone anywhere else...you gotta use your head and common sense! We met in a chat where neither of us were looking for anyone. We just hit it off and started talking daily. It grew from there. After many months of chatting, he came out to see me. We met in a public place, and he stayed at a hotel. Sparks flew...and a year after we met online, he moved out to where I live. We got married 3 years after we met and have been quite happy. Unfortunately, none of friends and family have been able to repeat our online success.