Older friends? It is a matter of age and exclusivity.
I am familiar with a situation where a single mom inserts herself into the life of her teens by befriending their...
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Dear Alice,
I am a fifteen-year-old female and I have a female friend who is forty-two. I can tell this person everything — I mean, stuff that I don't tell my mom — so I consider this person to be my second mother. Now my question is: is it normal to have friends like that? All my friends who are my age think it is weird for me to hang out with her and my mom gets jealous because she thinks that this person is kind of taking her spot as being my mom. If you can, please give me an answer to this question. Thanks.
Dear Reader,
It is a special thing to have connections with people you care about, trust, and can confide in. There's nothing wrong; in fact, it is completely normal to have an older friend like yours. As long as you feel comfortable, that's what matters.
There are a few possible reasons why your peers, and mother, find your relationship with your older friend questionable. In terms of the friends you have that are your age:
Your mother may:
Think about your reasons for being friends with this woman, and what the relationship means to you. How did you meet and how do you spend your time together? Do you always feel safe when you're together? Keep in mind that sometimes there can be an unequal power dynamic between friends from different generations, and this may be part of what your Mom or friends are worried about.
Also, when you talk about things with your friend, does it make it harder or easier to talk with your Mom later? Is it possible that you are trying to make your Mom feel bad? Do you ever spend time with your friend in order to escape something that makes you uncomfortable at home or elsewhere — such as parents fighting, annoying siblings, pressure to do something you don't want to by friends your age, or someone else? These are good questions to ask yourself no matter how old a particular friend is.
It might also help to think about the ways you can build on this friendship and continue to develop good relationships with other people in your life. For example, maybe you can invite your Mom or another friend to join you and your older friend for lunch one Saturday. Or, try talking through a dilemma with your older friend first, and then finding some ways of talking about it with your Mom, too. If your friend has children of her own that you like, spend some time with them. You could also find out if she lives or works at or near a place to meet other people your age.
In the end, it is you who knows if this friendship is valuable. If it is, it's worth defending to your Mom and other friends. One way to do this is to give them some specific examples of what you like about your friend, or what you do together. For example:
At the same time, you can let them know that you care about them and are willing to share your experiences with them, too.
Older friends? It is a matter of age and exclusivity.
I am familiar with a situation where a single mom inserts herself into the life of her teens by befriending their...
Older friends? It is a matter of age and exclusivity.
I am familiar with a situation where a single mom inserts herself into the life of her teens by befriending their friends. Her pattern seems to be to become very involved by planning and going to all activities with the group. She facebooks her teens friends. She is not inclusive or comfortable with the parents of her teens friends. On more than one occasion she has kept secrets from other parents and seems to try to isolate these befriended kids from their own families.
An older friend is not a problem, but a minipulative older friend can be. It would be wise to notice if your older "friend" befriends your parents as well, attempts to bring you and your parents closer, and encourages you to be honest and open with your own family. If not, you should ask yourself, why?
I'm 35, and have lots of friends who are both younger and older (as well as my age.) My youngest friend is 21, and my oldest 99! I really treasure all of these relationships. My...
I'm 35, and have lots of friends who are both younger and older (as well as my age.) My youngest friend is 21, and my oldest 99! I really treasure all of these relationships. My younger friends remind me of what it was like to be their age, and have the enthusiasm and joy that comes with discovering many things for the first time. My older friends have a kind of wisdom and life experience, and give me a sense of what I can look forward to. So no, I don't think it's weird at all, so long as you also have friends of your age (and so long as your friend also has friends her age).
No, I don't think having an older friend is weird; it has actually helped me with my well-being.
I am 23-years-old, and 3 of my closest friends are above 35. My closest one...
No, I don't think having an older friend is weird; it has actually helped me with my well-being.
I am 23-years-old, and 3 of my closest friends are above 35. My closest one right now is my mom's age.
Yeah, I know my mom is jealous of her, but she's gotta understand that this friend isn't like a mom to me, she's at my level, and my mom just isn't.
I think much deeper, and I am more...
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