Golf course, not intercourse!

Originally Published: November 1, 2002 - Last Updated / Reviewed On: August 28, 2012
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Dear Alice,

My husband and I own a 24-hr driving range that is automated for users that may not be able to practice during normal hours when many other driving ranges are closed. Recently, on the security monitors we noted that one late night couple used the driving range for a sexual interlude after their normal golfing practice. Although not opposed to the actions of consenting adults, we did find it a bit distasteful that the couple discarded their condoms in the driving range parking lot. We are trying to find some well thought words to use to design a sign that would discourage such future action and not be distasteful to our other customers. Perhaps you could help as you seem to have a great way of using phrases and words to impart your answers.

Dear Reader,

No one's ever requested sign language before — names for stores, pets, and babies, yes, but never words of "warning" that might find their way to a sign in the grass or the back of a golf cart. If you end up using any of these, do send a photo for the Go Ask Alice! scrapbook.

Here we go...

Thanks for coming, and don't forget to take your gloves with you!

Close contact with grass may result in hard-to-remove stains.

Drivers, bags, and balls are for golfing only.

Tiger Woods wouldn't stroke his woody, would he?

This facility is monitored 24-hours-a-day by security cameras and is simulcast on public access cable.

Litterbugs get us tee'd off!

Sorry, holes-in-one by fully clothed golfers only.

Winking and driving don't mix.

Keep your putts to yourself!

Get a room!

Par? If these won't work, at least you might take comfort in knowing that your get-it-on golfers are using protection, and that their rubber rubbish might be a trashy reminder to your other customers that condoms can improve one's swing. Additional garbage cans around the lot might help, too.

And who said golf was boring?

Alice