Girlfriend won't swallow

Originally Published: September 13, 1996 - Last Updated / Reviewed On: June 12, 2009
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Dear Alice,

My girlfriend and I have been dating for a year, and I love her very much. We have a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship, and we communicate well. Recently, I told her of my fantasy of her performing oral sex on me and swallowing my sperm. She said that would be "gross," and has never brought me to climax during oral sex because she does not want me to come in her mouth. I perform oral sex for her, and I enjoy having her sexual fluids on my face and tasting them. We have discussed sexual fantasies before and have pleased each other very much. But she will still not accept my sperm in her mouth, and I feel like she does not want to accept a part of me into her body -- that she does not have the fullest desire to please me. When I first asked her to do it, I expected her to want to pleasure me, to have desire for my penis. Now, I feel like she thinks my body is not desirable. My question is: what must I do or say to make her change her mind, to make her understand how much I wish she'd do this?

Signed,
B.J.

Dear B.J.,

Perhaps you could look at your experience in two ways: your girlfriend could agree to go down on you, and you can agree not to ejaculate in her mouth; or, if she already goes down on you, accept that this may be enough for her right now.

There are probably many reasons why your girlfriend chooses not to swallow your semen. Some people worry about possibly not liking the taste and/or texture. You could ejaculate, and both of you could do a taste test. Others worry about gagging and vomiting, or getting sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). Ask her about these thoughts with an "I want to learn" attitude. Similarly, you may think about gently expressing to her not just what you want, but what it means to you. Communicating in this manner will not guarantee a change in her behavior and needs to be done without that expectation; however, it could foster greater understanding, and even intimacy, in your relationship.

In the meantime, you could focus on all the ways your girlfriend shows you that she cares for, accepts, and loves you, rather than on what you are not getting from her. You have probably noticed that the more pressure you place on her (or anyone), the more she will run away from what you would like her to do. Be aware of, and respect, her wants and needs, while still acknowledging your own. Similarly, when you go down on her, do it because you want to, not as a proof of your love, or as a trade-off, or investment, in what she might do for you in return in the future.

"Accepting your sperm in her mouth" is not a test of love. It is a sexual behavior that your partner does not choose to do at this time. This does not mean that she does not care for you, nor does it reflect her desire to give you pleasure. However, swallowing sperm is pretty high on the intimacy scale. Nancy Friday wrote about this in her book, Men in Love - Men's Sexual Fantasies: The Triumph of Love over Rage.

For additional information, or another perspective, see archived Alice questions: Girlfriend gags during oral sex and Girlfriend won't perform oral sex. Oral sex, either on the receiving or giving end, and regardless of the type, strength, or length of the relationship, is perfectly pleasurable for some, an acquired taste for others, and for a certain group, a "no way, no how, not ever" proposition. This has to do with their comfort and choices, and is not about you. Alice is also certain that you know how crucial it is not to force anyone to do something that s/he does not want to do. Try thinking about the expression, "You cannot change another. You can only change yourself." So, you can change your approach, your communication style, or your expectation, and at some point, you may be surprised.

Alice

September 14, 2012

516284
I always offer to use a flavored condom when my partner wants to cum in my mouth. I was skeptical and nervous at first but it pleases him very much!! The condoms are thin enough that they don't...
I always offer to use a flavored condom when my partner wants to cum in my mouth. I was skeptical and nervous at first but it pleases him very much!! The condoms are thin enough that they don't hinder the sensation as you might think. Give it a shot!!

June 2, 2009

21557
Dear B.J.

I have a girlfriend who enjoys giving me oral sex and actually enjoys it when I come in her mouth because she knows I enjoy it and it's hot for her. I asked her if it's really gross to...

Dear B.J.

I have a girlfriend who enjoys giving me oral sex and actually enjoys it when I come in her mouth because she knows I enjoy it and it's hot for her. I asked her if it's really gross to have someone cum in her mouth and she says the taste is neither good nor bad. She has a technique for minimizing "exposure" to the semen. When it becomes obvious that I'm about to cum she buries my penis as deeply in her throat as she can which as you can imagine is kinda great for me, and minimizes the oppurtunity for much semen to wind up on her tongue.

Perhaps you could offer this information to your girlfriend and see if she's willing to give it a shot. (no pun intended)

May 11, 2007

21210

Dear Alice,

If you accept your girlfriend for what she's willing to do and don't pressure her, she will feel more intimate with you and your sexual life and relationship could...

Dear Alice,

If you accept your girlfriend for what she's willing to do and don't pressure her, she will feel more intimate with you and your sexual life and relationship could thrive. Or you could keep asking her to do something she doesn't want to do, and she will become more distant and your relationship will suffer. Giving up swallowing for a thriving relationship of understanding sounds like a good trade-off to me.

— Edward

November 26, 2004

20836
Alice,

I had expressed my desire for my wife of several years that I really wanted her to swallow my cum, instead of spitting it out in the sink, interrupting our session.

She came back...

Alice,

I had expressed my desire for my wife of several years that I really wanted her to swallow my cum, instead of spitting it out in the sink, interrupting our session.

She came back with an alternative. She asked, how about after you come in my mouth, I swallow what I can, but the rest I share with you in kissing, and/or allowing it to flow back out of my mouth on your face and chest. I must admit, I was a little reluctant. She asked, why will you ask of me what you aren’t willing to do, i.e., taste your own sperm. She says, "I kiss you after you eat me out as your face is dripping with my fluids — why won’t you at least try the same?"

Then I thought of the many times I had eaten her out after we had sex and I had shot a good-sized load into her vagina. The taste was there but not unpleasant. Maybe even a little desirable. It was as if I had claimed my ownership of her.

Since this revelation, we have shared some of the greatest sex of our relationship.

And, by the way, she swallows without hesitation now.

Believe it or not, I sometimes wish she wouldn't.