Dear Alice,
RE: Friends for first year guy?
I am a junior in college, and I went through the same problem. I think I am pretty shy too. I remember being miserably lonely the first...
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Dear Alice,
I'm having a tough time as a first year student. My classes aren't too difficult, I'm not very homesick, I don't miss my parents too much. That's all OK. The problem is that I'm lonely. I have reached out to people in classes, in dining halls, everywhere! All I get in return is a brush-off. I give my phone number to people and they don't care enough to reciprocate. I sit with people during meals and never see them again. It's 3 weeks into the semester — have people made their friends already? I know there are people out there who are potential friends, but where are they? Are they also locking themselves up in their rooms and hiding in the library between classes and at night? I'm a nice, honest, and sincere person. I had a few very close friendships in high school and I'm not the outgoing party animal who needs a wide circle of friends to feel secure. I just need one or two close friends. People who are loyal and who need a friend as much as I need one. I just can't seem to find anyone who is as interested in me as I am in them. I'm a naturally shy and quiet person but my old friends tell me that once people get to know me, they'll really like me. I don't like parties, and I'd rather have 1 or 2 close friends than 15 acquaintances. What can I do?
Signed,
A Loner
Dear A Loner,
Don't worry — it is completely normal to think that you are the only person to have yet to make friends. Just remember that you are only 3 weeks into the semester and that you have had much more time to develop your high school friendships. The beginning of your first year is often full of social anxiety and it may take a while for you to find your crowd and warm up to the people around you. Even very sociable people share your same concerns (although they may be expert at hiding it).
It may be hard to adjust from having a few close friends to having to make yourself vulnerable and introduce yourself to many people. However, you would be wise to try and avoid the trap of feeling that the only friend worth making is one that will grow to be a best friend. Most friendships start out as acquaintances; a few of those may develop into close friends-for-life.
In the coming weeks, you'll have plenty of opportunities to meet and interact with more people. You mentioned you've already tried connecting with a few people. You may try taking your initiative a step further to use those occasions to get to know your peers better by making specific plans while you are face-to-face. For instance, you can ask a classmate to be a study partner; ask a roommate or roommate if he/she wants to go the gym, library, dinner, a movie, etc.; or attend events in your residence hall. Maybe it would also be helpful for you to keep track of and begin reaching out to your new school contacts on a social networking site, especially if you ever feel flustered while chatting in person.
Sometimes joining a group provides just enough structure to meet people easily without feeling awkward. What are your interests? There are many student groups on campus that are always looking for new members. You might go to a few different meetings (check bulletin boards, activity fairs, etc.) to try some groups on for size. Continue going to the ones where you feel comfortable and engaged — where you sense a common interest with the other members. Also, perhaps ask your RA for suggestions; s/he would probably have some good ideas for places to meet people who you might like.
May 19, 2006
Dear Alice,
RE: Friends for first year guy?
I am a junior in college, and I went through the same problem. I think I am pretty shy too. I remember being miserably lonely the first three weeks, just because I didn't have any friends. I felt like I had to be unnaturally outgoing. For that matter, I felt like I had no idea who I was. It felt like I had a brand new slate for my personality, because no one I knew from high school went to my university. Then I started to realize that I still liked certain things and didn't like certain things (i.e. parties), and that I drifted towards certain kinds of people after all. It was a little disturbing, to realize I was more a creature of habit than I thought. Anyway, everyone else in my dorm seemed to be insta-friends with each other within two weeks. I didn't get it. I'm not an insta-friend person. But after awhile, some friendships just sort of happened. A few friendships came from utility, so to speak, especially freshman semester. It feels a little cheap, those "being alone sucks, let's hang out together" friendships, but they can slowly become deeper, good friendships. One of my now good friends started out simply as "that kid I seem to have several classes with." We thought the other person was kind of interesting, so we started eating at the dining hall together, partly because it was better than eating alone, partly because the other person told funny stories, partly just to have someone to talk to. Then we'd invite each other to watch TV or study. And slowly, we became good friends. It took a semester or two, though. Yeah, student groups are a good idea. What's to lose by going to them? I dropped out of most of the groups I attended freshman semester, but I kept going to a few groups I really liked. I've met some nice people, and I made some friends indirectly through the groups. I think freshman semester, most of my friendships were still pretty shallow. I guess I had to learn how to make friends. But as a junior, I have a handful of really close friends now. We call each other when we're going to the movies, when we're worried, when we need a favor, or when we just want to hear how the other person is doing. It's great.