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Okay, let's say you have this teenager who is gay. He's dating this girl, and been doing it for over a year, and only doing it to fit in as being straight. In this school, if you don't have a girlfriend, you get harassed and called queer. Well, now this teenager has hit a big dilemma. This girl wants to have sex, but he can't because he isn't attracted to her. What should he do? He really cares for her, but feels he is using her, and she is developing strong feelings for him. What to do? Should he "come out," or keep playing it off, finding some way to have sex with her?
— The Fake Straight Dude
Dear The Fake Straight Dude,
It's unfortunate that The Fake Straight Dude (FSD) lives in a world where he feels forced to pretend he's someone he's not. It's equally tragic, and understandable, that he fears he'll be hurt if he just lives his life.
So, then, what about the girlfriend? The FSD does have options. Since not every guy is attracted to every girl, and vice-versa, perhaps the FSD could bring an end to his romance with this as the reason: He needs to concentrate on an internship, a job, clubs, sports, or whatever so that he wouldn't have time for a girlfriend (or so his classmates will think)? He might even get lucky and find new friends and partners in the process. He can also tell his girlfriend that he is not ready or has chosen not to have sex at this point; certainly a feeling many guys have, gay or straight. If he prefers to be more direct, he might say that the relationship is getting too intense. Or, if the FSD is feeling comfortable, courageous, and trusting of his girlfriend, he might tell her that he's attracted to men. Notice that among these options there's no suggestion to have sex with his girlfriend just because that's what's expected.
Is there anyone in the FSD's world who might get the way he feels, either because they feel/felt it themselves, or because they're tolerant and open? Having a trusted ally and expressing one's true self can help an FSD (or a Fake Straight Gal, for that matter) feel like s/he's living more for her- or himself than for others. These people might be nearby: friends, family, and again, even the girlfriend. They could be further away: a teacher, counselor, or community organization.
Here's info about gay-straight alliances, mentioned earlier:
Dear The Fake Straight Dude,
I feel sorry for you, but I don't think it would be right to be in a relationship you don't want to be in.
If you don't want to tell her that you're gay...
Dear The Fake Straight Dude,
I feel sorry for you, but I don't think it would be right to be in a relationship you don't want to be in.
If you don't want to tell her that you're gay, all I can think of right now is to break up with her. I know it is mean and doesn't sound right, but if you think about it, wouldn't it be more mean to be in the relationship as her love and passion for you grows, while you don't feel the same way?
Although the best thing would be to tell her you've been questioning your sexuality and found out you really are gay, you can still tell her that you still would like to be friends. If she doesn't want to be your friend afterward, then it's her loss, isn't it?
I'm not saying you have to do any of this... it's just what I think.
Signed,
Bi-guy
