Excuses, excuses

Originally Published: February 2, 2001

Dear Reader,

As parents, it can be difficult and frustrating to see one of our children developing behaviors or patterns we'd rather not see. Of course, this is part of healthy care-giving behavior — to want our children and grandchildren to grow up to be well-rounded, responsible individuals. The challenge is to instill these values while also letting kids learn some things for themselves. No doubt, this is often hardest to balance while raising teenagers, who naturally, and appropriately, are trying to figure out who they are and what they want from their own lives — as you said, learning to take responsibility.

People — children, adolescents, and adults alike — turn to excuses when giving explanations for their actions (or inaction!) for a lot of reasons. Take a few moments to think about how excuses, justifications, and rationalizations have played a role in your own life. No need to be embarrassed: everyone has used this tactic at some point or another. Excuses can serve to:

• protect us when we feel vulnerable — perhaps when we feel unsure of ourselves, or know or think we've done something wrong
• buy extra time to figure something out
• get an intrusive questioner off our back

Of course, excuses can also keep us from uncovering the true meanings of our actions, thus creating obstacles to fulfilling our goals. As you ponder how you'd like to address your concerns with your son (there will be more time for that in a moment), think about how your own behavior may be contributing to the situation. For example, is there anything you may be doing that encourages him to feel as though he needs to make excuses? Maybe you and your family have high standards or consistently question WHY he's done something. Have you pegged your son in your mind as an "excuse maker" so that it becomes true for you or a self-fulfilling prophecy for him as well? Could your son have picked up his justification strategies from you or someone else in the family? Sharing an awareness of what your son may be reacting to in your family dynamic can model taking responsibility for your actions and behavior.

When you sit down to talk about what you've noticed with your son, remember that given his tendency, you'll need to make even more of an effort to make him feel supported, rather than attacked (which would likely put him on the excuse-making defensive). Pick a time that's quiet but casual, maybe while preparing dinner, driving home from school, or walking the dog. Keep this discussion between the two of you — carefully ask other members of your family to find something else to do while you're talking with your son. The following pointers are good to use anytime you find yourself in a challenging conversation:

• Speak with a calm, caring tone. If comfortable for both of you, make eye contact. Mirror his positions with yours and watch your body language. For example, sit if he's sitting, and keep your arms uncrossed.
• Focus on your main concern. Resist the temptation to throw everything into the same pot, such as the cleanliness of his room, progress on homework, etc.
• Use specific examples, such as the ones you wrote about here. This will help your son to understand what you're saying, rather than denying it all together.
• Talk about your observations, own them, and then ask for his interpretations. For example, "Last week, when you were called in by the principal, it seemed like you thought it was the teacher's fault. I know that no situation is ever clear-cut. It felt to me as though maybe you were feeling like you had to make an excuse for what happened. What do you think?"
• Ask your son open-ended questions, such as, "What do you think was happening?"; "What do you see as the reasons for that?"; and, "What was it that made you feel that way?"
• Let him know why the excuse making worries you. Remember to focus on the positive reasons for not making excuses, rather than the negative things that you envision happening if he doesn't stop. You can say something like, "You are clearly so smart, and so many people enjoy spending time with you. There's no need for you to feel like one or two mistakes is the end of the world. I know that you're a good kid. By taking responsibility for things, everyone else will have a chance to know this, too."
• You may want to provide a related example from your own life, especially one from when you were a teenager, or even something more recent.

This discussion will be an opportunity to try out new patterns of communication between you and your son. You both need to find ways to help him start coming to terms with his own role in his life's course. This may seem tough, and perhaps you're also reluctant to face your own participation in the patterns that have developed in your son. Well, this may be a time to just bite the bullet... and watch out for those excuses.