Erection comes and goesOriginally Published: November 22, 1996 |
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Dear Alice,
I care for my girlfriend, whom I have been seeing for a few months now. I have no problem maintaining an erection when she performs oral sex on me. In fact I can climax twice in a relatively short time. We have, however, been unable to actually engage in intercourse, since when we go to put on the condom, I lose my erection. I'm not really having too much of a problem getting erect (i.e.-- I get an erection, and may lose it early on, but I am able to get and maintain another one for oral sex). What could be the problem? Stress? A lack of physical attraction? I will be grateful for any answer you can provide me.
Concerned
Dear Concerned,
When a man has oral sex, his penis is surrounded by a mouth with a warm, moist mucous membrane. The sensation is very direct. When you lose your erection while putting on a condom, this is normal since the stimulation stops. One thing that might help is if your girlfriend stimulates you -- touches, kisses, and talks to you -- while you are putting on the condom, or even assists you in the process (some lovers have learned to put on a condom with their mouths). Continuing the stimulation can help you stay hard while you are putting on the condom. You could also please each other in different ways, without intercourse, and take some pressure off for a while.
Alice would like you to remember that you are a man, not a machine, and that erections come and go, then often come back, sometimes when you least expect it. Direct physical contact, breaking the rhythm, the stress/anxiety of maintaining an erection, fear, guilt -- all can have an impact. Perhaps you are annoyed at having to put on a condom in the first place. This may interfere with your erection as well. If you could think of it as a (safer sex) choice, and try a few of Alice's suggestions above, the chances of being successful in achieving a condomed and erect penis will be higher.
Only you can tell if a lack of physical attraction to your girlfriend is an issue; however, Alice wonders if you are not grasping with straws.... Remember, your girlfriend cares for you whether or not you have an erection, and wants to be with you because of who you are, not the strength of your erection. Good luck.
