Conservative considers coitus
Originally Published: September 19, 1997 - Last Updated / Reviewed On: October 30, 2009
I'm a Christian, very conservative in upbringing, and I'm having difficulties in discussing sex in an open and casual manner. I told my male friends that sex should be done within the parameters of marriage. But they told me that I should have a first sexual experience so as to satisfy my wife or maybe a girlfriend (I don't have one yet). Should I follow their opinion regarding this? Should I first know the sexual dynamics of sexual intercourse before doing it with her?
I would appreciate your kind response.
Conservative or liberal, talking about sex can be awkward and confusing, as well as exciting and fun. Considering, and communicating about, sex can be just as important as "doing it," as you have shown with your thoughtful question.
Ultimately the right answer for you is the one that satisfies your beliefs. The choices that make you feel most comfortable are the ones that are right for you. Of course, sometimes you can't know what's best for you until you sample your options. Sure, what you learn from past sexual experiences can add to the pleasure of future ones; but, for many, the energy and excitement of the "first time" is unrivaled by the sex that follows. And when it comes down to it, your partner at the time is the best teacher of all, as each of your partners will be turned on (and will turn you on) in different ways.
You mention that you don't have a girlfriend now, which gives you some time to think about your feelings. There is no need to put pressure on yourself to make a decision now, or even when you start dating someone. In fact, feeling unsure about having sex may be a great way to start the conversation with your future partner(s). You can explain to your partner, just as you have here, that you have been brought up to wait until marriage to have sex, and you would like to hear their thoughts on the matter.
In the mean time, it probably wouldn't hurt to do some research on your own. You may find it helpful to talk with a religious counselor, or simply a neutral party. If you're at
Finally, keep in mind that sex is just one part of the picture — your future partners will want you for so many other reasons, not the least of which is your "gentlekid"ness.
October 29, 200921301
I usually think Alice is dead-on, but I have to disagree with her statement that "for many, the energy and excitement of the 'first time' is unrivaled by the sex that follows." Among my heterosexual friends (because I assume from your letter you are straight) I don't know anyone who enjoyed their first time. For women, it was usually scary and painful; for men, it was usually scary and embarrassing. It was only afterward, with practice and effort, that I learned how to enjoy sex, and that my male partners learned to relax and last for more than 45 seconds. Regardless of how they show it in the movies, no matter how in love you are, sex takes a lot of communication and effort to make it work. Love doesn't mean you can read your partner's mind.
If GentleKid decides to postpone having sex because he believes it should be saved by marriage, he should be able to feel happy and confident about his decision. However, if he decides to wait because he thinks it'll make his first time that much more spectacular, I think he is very likely to be disappointed. There is just too much pressure and so many expectations involved in the "first time." Personally I'm just glad mine's over with...
—It Takes a Village
May 7, 200821143
I think ultimately you have to decide for yourself, but I would like to give you a couple things to think about. Once you have sex you cannot undo it. While there is...
I think ultimately you have to decide for yourself, but I would like to give you a couple things to think about. Once you have sex you cannot undo it. While there is secondary virginity/born again virgin, you may always remember your sexual experience you had before you meet the one. While the one would love you anyway, in spite of whatever your past may be, she may wonder if she is as good as your previous partner(s). She might also wonder if you are thinking of previous partners when you two are having sex. There are ways to learn about sex and human anatomy without having sex. Websites like this one, books, and other people can provide a wealth of information.
Can you think of any better way to learn about sex then with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? Being a gal, I can tell you there are those of us who find it very sexy, manly, and strong to find out the guy we love is a virgin. In regards to talking about sex, I had a rather conservative upbringing myself in my family we did not talk about sex. I still do not know much about it hence I read stuff on my own. I found I could not talk about sex with most people even though I kind of wanted to, but when I met my boyfriend we discovered we could talk about it. Point to my story is it may be a matter of finding the right person(s).
Christian Catholic Gal
August 29, 200721308
March 25, 200520873
Gentlekid should not have to worry about compromising his values. If he thinks he should wait for marriage, any girlfriend he should find should respect that. A lot of girls (...
Gentlekid should not have to worry about compromising his values. If he thinks he should wait for marriage, any girlfriend he should find should respect that. A lot of girls (especially a lot of Christian girls with similar values) would in fact admire it, and value that in a boyfriend/husband. So good for you, gentlekid!