Masturbation

Dear Reader,

Thank you for pointing out an area that needs more attention! Lucky for you, there are three major categories of erogenous zones that maximize your chances of getting to the Big O — not to mention all the fun you could have along the way: your mind, your genitals, and the rest of your body.

The mind is everyone’s biggest erogenous zone. Mindset and fantasizing make all the difference in your level of solo pleasure and enjoyment. If reading porn or erotica is your primary cup of aphrodisiac tea, try reading a large variety of different types of “dirty books." These can help you discover new scenarios to keep things spicy. You can develop your own big cast of characters in your brain’s library, that you can call up anytime you’re in the mood (or not in the mood, but trying to get there). If you love to read erotica, perhaps you might also like to see pictures of those scenes being acted out. The Internet is a great place to start scoping out pictures and/or videos. You could also check your local erotic bookstore or toy store for porn in DVD, magazine, or book form.

Relying on the mind alone can be a blessing and a curse. While there is no limit to creative thinking, non-sexy distractions (such as work or your to-do list) can be real buzz kills. The mind can also be strongly influenced by setting. For example, some people get off more easily if they have a romantic setting in the room (certain music, candles, etc.). Other people block out their surroundings entirely, so this makes little difference. Experiment and see what works for you. Also, make sure you aren’t pressuring yourself to come! Orgasms are kind of like cats: They come to you on their own terms.

Now, on to the genitals. Just like with the mind, different people are turned on by different types of stimulation. It’s all about discovering what gets you going! When it comes to the nether regions, there are several options of spots to attend to: The ever-popular clitoris, the amazingly muscular vagina, the mysterious G-spot, and the oft-ignored labia. On this menu, you can select one dish or try all of them, depending on what strikes your fancy. Then, there are multiple methods of stimulation: manual, vibrator, dildo, or other objects (like water spraying out of a showerhead, a humming washing machine, or a cucumber or banana). But that’s not all. You can always throw in a myriad of techniques that affect sensation, such as speed, pressure, position, and depth.

The clitoris is usually the easiest spot to locate, as it sort of screams out for attention and is easy to reach. It is also the most common source of orgasm, with more nerve endings than any other sexual body part (on any gender). When you’re turned on, the clitoris becomes engorged with blood. This might make it feel bigger and harder than usual. Use a little lube if needed and experiment with different levels of pressure and speed (e.g. very light tapping, combined with more vigorous rubbing). Also, you can vary the direction of motion (e.g. tracing a figure eight, horizontal, and/or vertical movement). Vary the number of fingers you use to stimulate the labia at the same time. You can also add in a toy. Vibrators come in a huge variety of shapes, sizes, strengths, and functions. If you’re new to vibrators, try using it through underwear at first to dull some of the intensity, or purchase one with multiple settings (these for obvious reasons cannot be returned to the store if you are dissatisfied). The vagina elongates and produces natural lubricant when you are aroused.

Penetration with a dildo or vibrator while stimulating the clitoris manually makes for a dynamic duo. You can always experiment and see what unexpected sweet spots you discover. For example, the vagina houses the G-spot, a small area of tissue located on the upper front wall of the vagina. To locate it, insert a finger and make a “come hither” or beckoning movement with your finger. For many women, stimulation of the G-spot produces a very intense orgasm and for some, ejaculation. G-spot ejaculation occurs when the cervix spasms and ejects fluid that has collected around it during stimulation. This fluid is slightly different than the vaginal lubrication that the vaginal walls produce—it is more like water, and sometimes mistaken for pee because of this consistency. Also, right before a G-spot orgasm, some women have a sensation that feels similar to needing to urinate. Rest assured, it’s not urine, so let go and let it flow! If you’re worried about it though, empty your bladder before you begin your fun solo time.

Well, as if three different types (vaginal, clitoral, G-spot) of orgasm weren’t enough, some women can come from anal stimulation or from nipple stimulation alone, or in combination with genital stimulation. The body is full of erogenous zones (some more unexpected than others), so what floats your boat will be uniquely yours. When masturbating, try lightly stroking your inner thighs, buttocks, nipples, earlobes, armpits, feet, stomach, or neck. Some may contribute significantly to the Big O, while others are just nice little icing-on-the cake sensations. Try also masturbating in different positions to allow access to different body parts and to experiencing the sensation of coming in different positions.

Whatever you do, there is no wrong way to masturbate. Variety is the key to discovering and creating new ways of having orgasms, feeling sexually aroused, and stimulated. Check out these female-focused resources below for more tips and tools to aid you in your solo pastime!

Babeland

Good Vibrations

Directory of local women’s bookstores

Thanks again for finding a missing spot (on the site),

Dear R,

For males, there is some evidence that trace amounts of nutrients may be lost during ejaculation, but it appears so far that the good outweighs the bad when it comes to masturbation and health. Sadly, research on nutrient loss through vaginal fluids has not been conducted to date, so we know less about the immune system response in women during masturbation and orgasm.

What we know is that for all genders, masturbation has a great deal of health benefits. Masturbation can be a:

• Muscle relaxant
• Sleep aid
• Stress-reducer
• Sexual educator (e.g. helping you learn what you like, how you orgasm, etc)
• Mood-enhancer (via opioid-like neurotransmitter-release in the brain)
• Self-esteem booster
• And yes, an immune-system enhancer (at least for males, on whom this research has been conducted on exclusively)

All of this with no side effects! If a pill could do all that, the pharmaceutical companies would be battling for the patent. But luckily for us, all these benefits come (no pun intended) free of charge. Research indicates that some types of white blood cells are increased in the blood stream during masturbation, during both the sexual stimulation and orgasm stages. Other types of white blood cells remain unaffected, but none are depleted. This is interesting since both female and male ejaculate contain a substantial amount of antibodies.

Research (also done exclusively on males, which again, is unfortunate) indicates that trace amounts of nutrients that are vital for immune function, such as zinc, copper, and some vitamins, are lost during ejaculation. So if you are sick, it may be beneficial to take a supplement or to make sure you are eating lots of zinc, copper, or vitamin-rich foods (such as dark leafy greens), especially if you are going to be engaging in a lot of sexual activity, with a partner or solo.

Otherwise, fear not. Your solo pastime need not be sacrificed due to illness. It may even speed your recovery along.

Here’s to health and hands,

Dear Foreigner Boy and Pre-Orgasmic,

With a little bit of exploration, sensitivity, and patience, a woman’s time will come! A pre-orgasmic person is someone who has not yet had an orgasm. This term is used especially when describing women who have not had an orgasm through masturbation AND sex. It is totally normal for women of any age to be pre-orgasmic. Experts once described these women as anorgasmic, referencing their apparent inability to achieve orgasm. The term pre-orgasmic came (excuse the pun) into vogue when experts realized that having an orgasm is possible, and even likely, for many of the women who have never experienced one.

However, pre-orgasmic people don't need to feel left out; other aspects of sex and masturbation can be just as fulfilling as the so-called "climax." It's important that orgasm doesn't become a performance pressure. The fact that a person still enjoys sex and being intimate without orgasming is a positive thing in and of itself. The journey of self-exploration or sharing your body with a partner provides emotional and physical stimulation that many people value deeply.

For those trying to attain their first orgasm, relaxing and focusing on what feels good (rather than whether you're going to reach the Big O), is a good place to start. Some women who haven't had an orgasm through masturbation or sex have some success experiencing their first orgasm by using a vibrator on or near their clitoris (plenty of lube is always a good idea, too). Other women have found that using a shower head to stimulate the vulva and clitoris brings on their first orgasm. Orgasms can feel different depending on the area being stimulated (whether the clitoris, vulva, vagina, anus, penis, testicles, or even the nipples or other erogenous zones!). Describing what an orgasm feels like can be difficult, although many people feel a "release" of tension. For your reading pleasure, you may want to check out ways for a woman to orgasm during intercourse and other related questions.

As for the biological purposes for the orgasm, it's not entirely clear if orgasms are purely for pleasure or if they evolved to improve reproductive success (by making intercourse more pleasurable so people would partake more often and be more likely to reproduce, or by making it easier for semen to pass through the cervix; both theories receive some attention from researchers). What is certain is that both men and women generally find orgasms to be extremely pleasurable. Plenty of books have been published all about sex and orgasms. To start, you may want to check out the classic, Sex for One: The Joy of Self-Loving by Betty Dodson.

Love,

Dear Reader,

People of all ages pleasure themselves with a little help from their inanimate friends, not to mention their pillows, mattresses, or whatever else is hanging around. In fact, the term “plushie” is a name that many people who enjoy exploring sex with stuffed animals use to describe their sexuality.

Is it safe? Undies on or off, the discharge you report is likely the normal vaginal secretion that most women experience in varying amounts when they're sexually aroused. This clear, odorless, and natural lubricant usually starts flowing after puberty, and slows or ceases after menopause. Is this emission present when you arouse yourself with your hands alone? If yes, this is a sure sign that all is well. Some people are allergic to materials used to make bedroom beasts. If this were the case, you would most likely experience itching and/or a rash. Some people may be irritated by dust and/or dirt that has accumulated on the stuffed animals. Just to be sure, try to keep your critters clean, or at least your underwear on when engaging in your doggie-style stimulation.

As always, if you remain concerned, or if you have discharge or pain that doesn't seem to connect with masturbating, you may want to speak with a health care provider about your physical symptoms. Columbia students can make an appointment with Medical Services through Open Communicator, or by calling x4-2284. And feel free to leave the dog out of the conversation if bringing him/her up makes you uncomfortable.

Dear Readers,

Good news for all the women who masturbate out there (and the people who love pleasing them) — the idea that frequent and regular masturbation causes desensitization or numbness of the clitoris, preventing women from orgasming during intercourse, is false. In fact, masturbation, with or without the aid of a sex toy, helps women increase their clitoral sensations, improving the quality of their orgasms. Many women masturbate regularly as a healthy part of their lives. Through masturbating, women (and men) can explore their bodies, discovering what feels good to them. Learning what feels good is an important step toward feeling pleasure more regularly. Gaining the information is a step toward teaching a partner how to please you.

Since some incorrectly believe that masturbating or using vibrators desensitizes the clitoris, many women and couples also fear adding vibrators to their sexual repertoire. While some women may experience mild discomfort after long or vigorous use of a vibrator, the effect is only temporary. This can even occur after longer, vibrator-free masturbation sessions or extended periods of oral or vaginal intercourse. Using vibrators also causes no long-term risk of clitoral desensitization. So a woman's body will respond with pleasure once again to her fingers, vibrator, partner's touch, etc.

Some express concern over introducing sex toys into their partnered sexual play. They may fear that somehow their partner will begin to prefer the new stimulation or that they'll seek to replace them with a toy of a larger size. Michael Castleman, author of Great Sex: A Man's Guide to the Secret Principals of Total Body Sex, reminds men that "even the best carpenters use power tools." Vibrators and dildos may help women orgasm or orgasm faster, or simply provide a new type of stimulation to a couple's sexual activities. Sex toys, however, can't vocalize one's desire, be emotionally supportive, hug, or kiss a partner. They are enhancements, not substitutes or replacements, that can allow one partner to please the other in a new, different, and/or enhanced way. They can't take the place of the emotional, human bond and intimacy that you and your partner share.

Normal sexual intercourse? Maybe you mean penile-vaginal intercourse, accompanied by orgasm for both, ending the process. However, what one person sees as normal sexual expression, another person may find unusual or unappealing. In addition, only about 30 percent of women orgasm through penile-vaginal intercourse alone. Because the nerve endings are in the clitoris, and not the vagina, using hands, fingers, a vibrator, or even pubic bones and hips to place pressure on and pleasure the clitoris during intercourse or sexual play increases the chance for orgasm.

Masturbation, with or without the use of sex toys, can relieve stress, teach someone about her/his body, and can give oneself and a partner another dimension of pleasure. In a healthy sexual relationship, fears about desensitization or of a partner being "replaced" by a sex toy are nothing to be concerned about. So feel free to explore the pleasures that come from exploring one's body — women can masturbate and couples can vibrate to their heart's and clitoris's content.

Dear Reader,

Since your sexual tension may, understandably, be mixed with the emotional weight of your spouse's absences, an ongoing dialogue with him about how his time away affects you might ease some of your load. And don't wait to chat when he's home -- use the Internet as a vehicle for frequent conversations if he has easy access. If plain loneliness is part of his travel fallout, think about increasing your contact with friends, relatives, and others who may be in your same boat.

On the physical side of the divide, massage immediately comes to mind. Since longing for your husband's intimate touch is surely tied up in your sexual tension, a professional rub down might just satisfy some of your "skin hunger." No, a licensed massage therapist (LMT) won't (and shouldn't) maneuver like your Colonel, but massage therapy can serve up the right combination of touch and tension relief to get you through his tours of duty. For more info on how to find a masseur or masseuse in your area -- including ones for military wives on a budget - read Seeks massage therapist in Alice's General Health archive.

Yoga, meditation, tai chi, and other attention-focusing practices may bring you mental and physical peace, dissipating your sexual strain by releasing your bottled-up energy and directing it elsewhere. Merely relaxing and getting your mind off of, well, getting off will no doubt result from these kinds of techniques. For that matter, a hobby or volunteering could do the same. Good old-fashioned exercise is an option, too -- nothing like a hundred push-ups or a run in the park to spend the sexual energy. Even some sensual Latin, Mediterranean, or freestyle dancing in the privacy of your living room could do the trick. Alice would be A.W.O.L. if she didn't say that it's possible for all of these suggestions to produce the opposite of the desired effect, sending your urges to even higher altitudes.

If, for you, masturbation means self-stimulation that includes orgasm, then would self-stimulation that stops or pauses before climax be an option? It is possible to be satisfied sexually even if you decide to forgo the "big O." Another alternative is self-massage, using lotion or during a hot bath or steamy shower. After you've pondered or pursued these suggestions along with your own ideas, you may conclude that finding a release valve equal to private time with your husband is mission impossible. But this doesn't mean that answering and enjoying your natural desires can't be a mission accomplished.

Dear Anonymous,

By "bed humping," you no doubt mean masturbating with a little help from your mattress; i.e., rubbing your body/genitals against the bed, or plunging your penis (if you have one) between the mattress and box spring. You can sleep a lot easier knowing that guys and girls have been making love to their mattresses ever since they rolled off the assembly line — this is the way some experience their first orgasms. You're hard and/or randy, it's hard and ready, it's in the privacy of your bedroom, and you spend a third of your life sleeping with it. Are you abnormal? Certainly not! Do you need to introduce your form-fitting friend to anyone else? No. Will you end up marrying your mattress, giving birth to little sleeping bags, and living happily ever after without ever doing it with another human? Highly unlikely. Side effects associated with bed humping might include mattress burn and/or a restricted exit path for your ejaculate if pressure around the penis is king size. Mixing up masturbation methods increases the ways in which a person orgasms by him-/herself and/or with others. And aside from being walked in on, stains might give you guys away, but a tissue, towel, or condom can take care of this when the extra "s" is for semen.

Auto-erotic asphyxiation (AEA) is the practice of cutting off the blood supply to the brain through self-applied suffocation methods while masturbating. By limiting the blood supply to the brain, AEA can induce cerebral anoxia, a deficiency of oxygen in the brain. Oxygen deficiency in the brain is thought to intensify sensations, producing feelings of giddiness, lightheadedness, or exhilaration that can heighten the orgasmic experience. It's also possible that the helplessness and self-endangerment inherent in the AEA enhance sexual gratification for some people.

Of course, this same self-endangerment that may provide a thrill to the person carrying out AEA also weakens one's self-control and judgment, which can result in accidental death. Because of taboos surrounding AEA, the practice almost always remains a secret until a person dies accidentally. Although a death from AEA may often be labeled as a homicide or suicide, It's estimated that between 500 and 1000 deaths occur annually in the United States from this type of masturbation. Both men and women can participate in AEA. 

Depending on how long the brain and body are deprived of oxygen, brain damage could occur even if death does not.  A person participating in AEA also risks lacerating, cutting, or bruising their neck, depending on the suffocation or strangulation technique used. 

Auto-erotic asphyxiation is a dangerous activity because of the risk of death and brain damage. For those interested, a safer option would be to fantasize about suffocation, rather than trying to walk the fine line between heightened sensation and serious brain impairment.        

Dear Reader,

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, or worse yet, dismissive of your concerns, the real "harm" here is not physical. It's all the worry, shame, and conflict attached to masturbation by so many men, women, and children, thanks to negative associations with all kinds of sex — done by one's self and with others. These messages come from so many influential places — often for most of one's lifetime. It may not be true for you, but this cloud that hangs over many masturbators might send some looking for physical "harm" from this popular practice. It can be a way of justifying any bad feelings and beliefs about masturbation that might never allow going it alone totally okay.

That said, your "blame-it-on-masturbation" reasoning is understandable. If one sprouts hair in "strange" places, sports dark circles under the eyes, and says goodbye to those always reliable erections during and after stretches of solo-sex, one could easily conclude that these unwanted reactions came on as a result of whacking off. Then, could it not also be said that hair loss, far-sightedness, and love handles also owe it to masturbation? And what about greater self-confidence, career changes, and the urge to buy property? The point: is it possible that all of these occurrences stem from something besides genital stimulation? Might aging also be the culprit?

It may not come up 'round the copier and coffee table, but many twenty- and thirtysomethings now include unsightly nose and ear hair plucking in their regular grooming routine. They'd also put down difficulty with getting it up and keeping it there as a getting older symptom. Bags under the eyes? Yep, that's on the list, too.

If you're not convinced that masturbation doesn't play a direct role in the physical "consequences" that you're now experiencing, how about conducting an experiment? Masturbate less often, or refrain from doing it for a few months, and see if your symptoms disappear. NOTE: not "relieving" yourself for an extended period of time may lead to other unwanted physical and psychological situations, including irritability, difficulty concentrating, insomnia, and wet dreams. Now, it is possible that any stress, guilt, disgust, etc. with your personal sex play is making it harder to get and stay hard — these feelings are frequently powerful obstructions to sexual arousal. Also, if you're masturbating past your bedtime, dark circles may stare back at you the next morning.

It sounds as though you've read at least some of the archived Q&As on this subject; for those who have not, below is a partial selection, with some varied perspectives on the big M.

Dear N.B.,

You're welcome, and thank you for reading.

Pretending that pillows are sex partners, or getting intimate with them because they're soft, warm, form fitting, and always available, is probably as normal and common as changing the sheets and putting on pajamas. Equally normal is "making love" to the mattress, the ol' penis between the mattress and box spring trick, and humping the whole damn bed! And these masturbation options aren't exclusive and exciting to guys; women do their fair share of rubbing, bouncing, and squeezing, too.

Although beds can be a bountiful source of stimulation, varying one's modes of masturbation is important, to have more than one way to orgasm and/or ejaculate. Indeed, hands are handy, and you can use them in many different ways: applying differing amounts of pressure, using your less dominant hand, moving at different speeds or changing the rhythm, using lotion or lube, etc. This way, if/when one has sex with another person, his or her body will be more likely to respond to the more varied kinds of stimulation.

Hats off and sweet dreams to all who masturbate "out of the box." You know that hands will certainly suffice, but the bed, bath, and beyond can be really, really nice — for a change.