Boyfriend’s bladder a bummer in the bedroom

Originally Published: March 4, 2005
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Dear Alice,

My boyfriend urinated in me while having sex. He has done it twice now in the past week. Both times we had woken up in the middle of the night to have sex. He said I was the one who urinated. But the second time this occurred, he pulled out for a brief moment and urinated on me even more (so I know that it was him). It was not a whole lot, but enough to get the sheets fairly wet. I am concerned because he says he would have felt it and he would have stopped if it was him. This is causing embarrassing and extremely uncomfortable situations for us. I am now afraid to have sex with him because if it happens again, it will cause a fight between us because he believes it's me, but I know it is him. I cannot urinate inside myself. Does he have a problem, is this going to be a continuous thing, and what can I do to help prevent it, if at all possible? Help us, please!

Thank you,
love puddles

Dear love puddles,

Everyone is human, and we all do embarrassing things. Sometimes our bodies embarrass us by making weird noises or by unexpectedly leaking fluids. Usually a simple "Excuse me" or "Sorry about that" will handle the situation, even though the embarrassment may stick with us for a while. But sometimes, for some reasons, our brains go "George Costanza" on us and tell us not to say, "Excuse me." Instead, it may tell us to ignore what happened, or even deny that anything happened at all. It may even tell us to blame someone else. In these situations, a fear of what the other person might think leads us to make some poor choices. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. But usually an "Oops, my bad" would save us a lot of trouble.

It's possible that your boyfriend doesn't realize he's the one who is urinating. Perhaps he is confusing his need to urinate with the sensation of impending orgasm. Sometimes unintended pressure can be placed on both men and women's bladders during sex. This can cause the sensation of having to urinate even if one doesn't really have to go. If the bladder is full, the sensation can be greater and a person may really need to go during or right after sex. Going to the bathroom before having sex can eliminate this need or reduce this feeling. But being in the throes of passion after having just woken up can knock going to the bathroom down a notch on the priority list. Perhaps changing positions can help relieve some of the pressure on your boyfriend's bladder.

It's also possible that your boyfriend knew he was urinating, but was just too embarrassed to admit it. Maybe he knew he did it and felt that he could control it the next time. Then when it happened again, he dug an even deeper hole by saying, "he would have felt it and he would have stopped if it was him." This was obviously hurtful to you and now you fear another episode and confrontation, so much so that you are afraid of having sex with him. What exactly is going on will never be known unless you feel comfortable talking with him about what happened, what you noticed, and how you felt. People in healthy relationships trust and respect each other, feel secure and comfortable with one another, resolve conflicts mutually, and respect each others' boundaries (including sexual boundaries). The healthy thing to do is to discuss the situation calmly and maturely in a setting outside of the bedroom. If he isn't willing to discuss the matter further, you may need to reevaluate the status of your relationship. Is your boyfriend's weak bedtime bladder something that you can live with? Is his reluctance to accept responsibility for his actions something you can tolerate? Is his apparent lack of respect and openness something that you cannot tolerate? Evaluate your feelings on the issue and try to settle this dispute before it causes any more aggravation.

Another possible explanation is that your boyfriend is acting on an urge to urinate in, on, or around you. Some people participate in "water sports" or "golden showers," where one person urinates on a partner. If it's consensual, golden showers are generally harmless (and even playful and fun, such as when you are in the shower, anyway. Urine, if it comes into contact with a body opening or wound, however, might cause an infection.). The key word, though, is consent. If you are not okay with being "showered" with this specific kind of affection, you need to let your boyfriend know that it is not acceptable to you. Again, talking with him about how what he is doing makes you feel is important.

As far as solutions to the actual urination question, perhaps suggest that your boyfriend go to the bathroom before going to bed every night, or that he monitor and limit the amount of fluid he drinks. Then when you wake up for some late-night or early-morning action, there will be less chance of his bladder ruining the moment for you. If he refuses to believe it was him, see if he is willing to make an agreement that the two of you go to the bathroom right before bedtime, and that neither of you drinks liquids after dinner, so that both of your bladders are as as empty as possible.

If none of this helps, you may want to encourage him to see a primary care provider or urologist. If he is not willing to go, you may need to make a decision about being in this relationship or not.

Alice