Boyfriend can't orgasm or ejaculate

Originally Published: January 9, 1996 - Last Updated / Reviewed On: November 11, 2005
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Dear Alice,

I don't know what to do! My boyfriend has no trouble becoming sexually aroused around me, but when we try to have sex, he just doesn't seem to be able to actually have an orgasm and ejaculate. He only has had one with hand stimulation when hand cream is involved, but not otherwise. Oral sex does not even work. This is very frustrating; he tells me it's his fault but I feel like it's mine. Plus, he says he didn't have as much trouble with his past girlfriends, but that he cares about me so much more than them. I'm really confused. Is there anything either one of us can do?

--Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

It is NOT his fault. It is Not your fault. No one is to blame for your current sexual situation. Once you take off the pressure and reframe this as part of your relationship (a challenge to be worked on), the stress and frustration associated with "having a problem" will dissipate. There are a lot of reasons why a man may not orgasm and ejaculate in a prescribed way. It may be physical, or it may be drug-related, prescription or non-prescription. It may be because of strong religious injunctions and guilt; the idea of not wanting to surrender to a woman; or, even fear of pregnancy. Or, it may be that you are different for him than other women he's been with, and that the closeness he feels to you makes him more anxious during sex than in the past.

Try enjoying the sex play that the two of you do together, without the expectation of orgasm. Work on spending time together being close. Let him pleasure you, without you trying to take care of his pleasure. Take the pressure off ejaculation and orgasm. Once you two feel close enough again, it may be that naturally he will be able to orgasm. If not, pick a time (not while in bed!) to discuss what's been going on. Ask him what it would mean to him to orgasm with you. Talk with him about what it means to you that he doesn't ejaculate inside of you. Make sure you're both open and honest, and working on the same wavelength.

For more information, see Alice's answers to Boyfriend has trouble ejaculating and No orgasm with partner. You can also contact the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) for brochures or a referral to talk with someone in your area.

Alice

January 6, 2014

547814
I had difficulty ejaculating and experiencing orgasm with my girlfriend when I was just out of college (back in the late 1970's.) I didn't mind it at all; it allowed us to experiment endlessly. We...
I had difficulty ejaculating and experiencing orgasm with my girlfriend when I was just out of college (back in the late 1970's.) I didn't mind it at all; it allowed us to experiment endlessly. We often finished the day in a lazy combination of slow intercourse, mutual masturbation and an intimate or intellectual discussion before falling asleep, often still physically connected. I never felt closer or more loving in intercourse than I did with her at these times, and she said she felt the same. Eventually I suspected that my inability to climax and ejaculate was my fear of pregnancy. I started wearing a condom, and ejaculated the first time I tried it. Luckily, I'd learned a lot about control during the preceding many months, and was still able to prolong our lovemaking. Experiencing mutual orgasm only added a great new dimension to our intimacy, and of course it felt, and still feels, pretty darn good. (It's even better than watching our grandkids...I did stop using the condoms eventually...)

April 29, 2013

528050
Absolutely agree, my partner of 5 years can´t ejaculate and personally I think it´s GREAT! It makes him the best lover ever and we only finish when I have; what more could a woman want? The problem...
Absolutely agree, my partner of 5 years can´t ejaculate and personally I think it´s GREAT! It makes him the best lover ever and we only finish when I have; what more could a woman want? The problem though, is for those wanting to have children. We are at that stage now and we don´t know what to do, suddenly his problem seems pretty serious.

September 29, 2005

20952
Dear Alice,

'Frustrated' really shouldn't feel bad at all. I have a lot of trouble climaxing with my girlfriend because I've conditioned myself not to out of fear of pregnancy and other things,...

Dear Alice,

'Frustrated' really shouldn't feel bad at all. I have a lot of trouble climaxing with my girlfriend because I've conditioned myself not to out of fear of pregnancy and other things, but for me, there is a simple way around it. She feels disappointed if I don't finish and it's a simple fact that no one is going to be able to finish myself better than me, so after I'm at the point where I'm as close to climax as I know that I'll probably get, I'll just go ahead and finish myself off. We're both happy in the end even though I might possibly finish the likelihood of it is low, so why not just make both parties happy? Don't feel bad if he has to finish himself off, he's probably accustomed to masturbation and it's still the SAME SENSATION, so he'll be just as happy. You certainly should NOT think that it is your fault and you cannot provide and he should NOT think that it's his fault, either. It is possible that he could condition himself better or he may just have a hard time finishing. I know what it's like to have trouble when you truly care about someone because I absolutely love my girlfriend, but when we are messing around, there are still a MILLION different things flying through my head that distract me.

April 19, 2004

20364

Thanks, Alice. I have been looking for six months to find info on how to deal with my ex-boyfriend's inability to orgasm. Your articles are the first that really put the situation into perspective...

Thanks, Alice. I have been looking for six months to find info on how to deal with my ex-boyfriend's inability to orgasm. Your articles are the first that really put the situation into perspective for me. Your suggestions sound so easy and are really specific, such as not talking about the problem while engaging in sexual activity.

June 5, 1998

20310
Dear Alice,

I have a message for Frustrated. Her boyfriend seems to have a “problem” orgasming. I agree fully with your response that it is no one’s fault. My husband and I have been together and...

Dear Alice,

I have a message for Frustrated. Her boyfriend seems to have a “problem” orgasming. I agree fully with your response that it is no one’s fault. My husband and I have been together and having a sexual relationship for 4 years. We were “rabbits,” but it still took him 2 months of almost daily intercourse to finally orgasm. We didn’t see it as a problem and I learned to enjoy the extra time to come to “my conclusion” of each session. In my opinion savor, the time you have with him, and be privately proud that he is no minuteman.