Alice,
I call myself "try-sexual" in that I will at least consider trying just about anything sexual. I do not consider labels for myself that important, and I have found that others who label...
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Alice,
I don't like to be considered gay nor bisexual, and I identified as pansexual for a bit, until I found out that pansexuality is sexual expression of all kinds. I want to know what I am. I don't like labels and I think that everyone and anyone can fall in love with anyone else of any gender, therefore I believe that there is no such thing as sexual orientations. What is a word for that?
Dear Reader,
We live in a society that, unfortunately, likes to put people in boxes with simple labels: gay, bisexual, black, white, etc. For some of us, the fit doesn't seem to really work, and many times this insistence on a clear-cut, one-word label can actually prevent us from getting to know each other as the multi-faceted individuals we are.
It appears that you've been thinking about this a lot, and though you profess that you don't like labels, you still find yourself searching for one. While labels are limiting, they can also be useful, or even liberating sometimes. Being able to describe oneself with a word or term that is shared with others can help an individual form a community with people who might have similar experiences. Sometimes the changed usage of a label empowers groups of people, such as the embracing of the word "queer" by some lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgendered people.
As far as Alice knows, there isn't an agreed-upon term for someone who doesn't believe in sexual orientation and thinks that it's possible for any person of any gender to love any other person. You might find that you have to explain this concept rather than give a one-word answer if someone asks, "What are you?" Better yet, explain why that question is limiting in and of itself. You are a person who likes to think that identity is complex and deserves more than a one-word answer.
As for your original embrace of "pan-sexual" as an identity, the term is, as you pointed out, a complex one. Some people think it means what you originally thought: openness to being with members of both the same and opposite sex. It is, instead, a term that arose in the early 1900s to describe a way of thinking — especially prominent in certain psychoanalytic circles — that sexual instinct plays a part in all human thoughts and activities, even being the most important or only source of real energy in our lives. In fact, its earliest uses, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, were meant as insults directed at those psychoanalysts. Over the years, though, it has come to mean an openness to all sorts of sexual activities and groupings, including ones that society considers even more taboo than same-sex love.
In the meantime, since you aren't being provided with a word here, why don't you come up yourself with a term for people who think like you do? Other Go Ask Alice! readers are welcome to write in with their own ideas as well (click "Respond to this Q & A" below).
May 4, 2009
Alice,
I call myself "try-sexual" in that I will at least consider trying just about anything sexual. I do not consider labels for myself that important, and I have found that others who label themselves to often ignore those labels. I had a very nice relationship with a committed lesbian once. She had a real problem when she felt she needed to reclassify herself as bi because of our relationship. I told her that it wasn't necessary, but she got hung up on the chubby hole... was sad.
To all, just find love and pleasure where you find it, be open to anything. There is too little happiness in the world today and we all need more of it. Less limiting and more joy, that is what we all should strive for.
July 28, 2008
Dear Alice,
I want to make sure that, no matter what pansexuality started off as, today it actually refers to a person who is NOT ONLY intrested in sex/sexuality, but a person who loves a...
Dear Alice,
I want to make sure that, no matter what pansexuality started off as, today it actually refers to a person who is NOT ONLY intrested in sex/sexuality, but a person who loves a person for who they are — no mater the gender or sexual orientation. This includes people who are transexual/transgender, hermaphrodite, androgynous, etc, and thus goes beyond mere bisexuality. It is a person who loves the other person's personality, intelligence, humor, and all the other little quirks that make that person the unique individual. Looks are NOT the primary factor, nor is some primal urge of sexuality, or being a sexual adict. I just wanted to make sure that was clear.... since many people do not know the term pansexual. Thanks!