Beach blanket boners

Originally Published: May 2, 2003 - Last Updated / Reviewed On: June 12, 2009
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Alice,

Please, can you help? My problem is when I'm on a beach and I see females topless, I become erect and have to lie on my stomach. Is there anything I can take to stop this for a couple of hours or so while I am on the beach?

Thank You.

Dear Reader,

Similar to other readers before you, practical tips on keeping your penis prone are preceded here by a common mantra: sexual arousal while on a beach — nude ones or otherwise — is as natural as erecting a sand castle. Getting excited at the sight of topless and naked beachgoers does not necessarily mean you want to raid their ice chests and fruit baskets. It does signal that you are responding normally to stimuli — maybe remembering this fact will wash away some of your beach-bound anxiety, which can help pump up your erections, too. And, the other sunbathers who might notice that you've brought two umbrella poles instead of one can also keep these physiological facts in mind if your boners get them hot and bothered.

Now, here's that age-old advice for the many in your position who are about to speedo to the seashore or the poolside:

  • Steer clear of nude and clothing-optional spots, all-be-this a challenging sport in many countries.
  • If the "problem" pops up on swimsuit-required beaches as well, wear attire that will hold your penis in place and/or hide its hardness: a jock or underwear under swimwear, baggy shorts, a long tee-shirt or tank-top, a towel, etc.
  • Listen to music and read books to take your mind and eyes off of those around you. Or, prop the book or magazine on top as cover-up.
  • Think really hard about Jaws, crabs, the Lochness Monster, and other tidal turn-offs.
  • Release your sexual energy before you leave the house or hotel.
  • Flip over onto your stomach.
  • Duck for cover (or go for a swim) in the ocean/sea/lake/pond. If the water is cold, your predicament will likely shrink away all by itself.

Have a great time wherever you are, and try to let the sun, surf, and sand take you away from your cares. Let the lifeguards worry about standing at attention!

Alice

May 9, 2004

20700
Dear Alice,

You give good advice to this question, but I wonder if your last piece of advice might be dubious. You suggest that if everything else fails, the guy relieve his tension in the ocean...

Dear Alice,

You give good advice to this question, but I wonder if your last piece of advice might be dubious. You suggest that if everything else fails, the guy relieve his tension in the ocean.

I'm no legal expert, but this seems like the kind of behavior that might get someone thrown in jail. If somebody sees you masturbating in the water, or even thinks you are doing that, you might be in big trouble.

I think your advice is good, save this last piece of advice. But I would add: if the guy is still getting erections at the beach after trying the first few suggestions, he should consider going to more secluded beaches.

Guys who get erections at nude beaches are the guys who bring unwanted law enforcement attention to the beach. If too many people start getting hard-ons at a nude beach, it won't be too long before the beach gets shut down.

March 26, 2004

20541
Dear Alice,

Re: Beach Blanket Boners

In a recent question you answered, in which a young man wrote in concerning his spontaneous erections in the presence of half-...

Dear Alice,

Re: Beach Blanket Boners

In a recent question you answered, in which a young man wrote in concerning his spontaneous erections in the presence of half-clad women on the beach, you advised him to, "'Let go' in the ocean/sea if you start drilling for oil again by lunchtime — if it's good enough for sperm whales, it's good enough for you."

That recommendation makes sense when one is only concerned about whether or not the young man is experiencing embarrassment in public due to the state of his genitals. However, your recommendation could end up giving him something about which to be much more embarrassed: a record as a sexual offender. Many states, counties, etc., have laws prohibiting public masturbation, and label such offenses as sex crimes. For instance, in Southern California, if a man is found masturbating by himself in a parked car on a public street, he is seen by the law as a potential sexual predator. By contrast, if a couple is caught having sex in the back of a parked car on a public street, they will most likely be cited only for lewd or indecent conduct. In short, the law takes a dim view of public auto-erotic stimulation, regardless of what the circumstances are surrounding the act, or the intention of the person committing that act.

Generally, your recommendations are well advised. In this particular instance, however, I cannot help but feel your recommendation misses the mark. By following your advice, this young man, or others, could inadvertently find themselves in a lot of trouble.