Alice,

I am a straight male who has recently become infatuated with the idea of performing oral sex on another man. Guys don't turn me on at all, but the idea of having a penis in my mouth, for whatever reason, is absolutely scintillating! I don't believe I have any homosexual tendencies, I just want to s... c... What's my deal?

Dear Reader,

Fantasies are a great, safe way to explore exciting events and situations — that you may or may not actually want to do. People may daydream about being James Bond or a Charlie's Angel, a rock star, and/or a famous chef, for example. Or they may dream about playing sports with a pro, having lunch with a senator, or even hooking up with a celebrity. Whether or not a person has the ability or actual desire to do these is often secondary to the escape and joy that fantasy provides. Sexual fantasies allow you to explore sexual desires, feelings, and behaviors without actually choosing to do them. In your thoughts and dreams, you can be more aggressive or more passive, in the setting of our choice. Using fantasy or imagination, you can break away from the "norm" for a while.

Often the fantasy of breaking social taboos is erotic. If something you fantasize about, such as performing oral sex on another man, really turns you on, you can decide to keep it in the realm of fantasy or you may decide it is something you really want to do. Sometimes idealized fantasies, however, are more pleasurable than the real-life activity. Say for instance, you find yourself daydreaming about sex on the beach. You might omit the realities of mosquitoes, sand where it doesn't belong, sunburns on "tender" areas, the pesky hermit crab that might crawl into your discarded swimsuit, etc. In making fantasies real, be prepared to like it, hate it, be disappointed, relieved, indifferent, or have many other related feelings.

In your email, you mention that "guys don't turn me on at all" and that you don't "have any homosexual tendencies." It doesn't seem as if you're bothered by the fantasies; rather, you are curious about them. Having a fantasy about giving oral sex to someone of the same gender doesn't necessarily connote being gay, as you note. And fantasies involving people you don't typically have sex with are normal; many people have fantasies that they do not intend to act on. If you decide you want to act on your desires, you can take a look at the Related Q&As.

If you find that you are struggling with a newly found interest in men (or their penises), a sex therapist or counselor may be able to help you better understand your fantasies and address your feelings in a more direct way. Since you seem to feel no pressure, you can continue to enjoy the pleasure and heat your fantasies generate. Whether you act on them is up to you.

Alice!
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