Dear Alice,

My boyfriend and I have been dating off and on for two years. We have been having sex for about a year now. The problem is I want to spice up our sex life, but I don't have any imagination. He says he's willing to try anything but he won't give ideas. We've done it in different positions, used sex toys but I can't think of anything fun to try. Please help, give me some suggestions.


Dear Unimaginative,

Tapping into your imagination can be a little tricky, especially if you and your partner are just beginning to talk openly about your desires. It's possible the missing ingredient is having the confidence to express yourselves freely and experiment with your sexuality without feeling embarrassed. Before investing in more toys or costumes, it may be useful to talk about and explore each other's thoughts and fantasies.

You can get the discussion going in a number of ways.  For example, you can choose and watch some adult sexuality education videos together or rent some erotic movies. Talk about what you see in the movies, and how you feel. What turns each of you on and off? What is appealing to you in fantasy, but might be unappealing to you in real life? Or, how about some books to spur your imaginations? Zillions of how-to books are available that offer ideas for spicing up one's sex life. There are also some beautiful sensual books you might want to look at, such as The Pillow Book. Read them together or read them aloud to each other and see what is inspiring, appealing, or exciting to each of you. 

Another avenue to explore is your (day or night) dreams. Have you had sex dreams about your parter? About others? About specific acts? The point is not to necessarily act on every dream or desire you've ever felt, but to start sharing your fantasies with your partner so that you can build intimacy and excitement into your sex life. Who knows, maybe the intimate nature of this conversation will be a new turn-on for both of you!  

Once you're able to recognize your own fantasies, and talk about them with your partner, your sex life could reach new heights. Enjoy getting there!


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