Alice,

Boy, am I confused. I am married and love my wife dearly. We have had a great sex life and do everything together. Recently, I have had thoughts about another woman joining us during sex. I didn't tell my wife this, however. Just a short time ago, my wife said that she thought that I would like to make love to her and another woman. I thought she was joking. She wasn't. I have responded that I felt that she probably wouldn't like that. She responded that she didn't know about that.

I'm not sure what to do. Do I see if she wants to try this, or just let it ride? I fear that if we did do this, that she would want to also bring in another man. While I want her to be happy, I am not interested in another man. (She hasn't suggested this even when I jokingly suggest that she would like this.) Even if she did want to do this, where do you find persons willing to try this type of sexual encounter?

—Totally Unsure

Dear Totally Unsure,

As the song goes, "Come and knock on our door... We've been waiting for you...Where the kisses are hers and hers and his…Three's company too." For many in the bedroom, three (or more) may be a welcomed crowd. For others, two is the better number. Sometimes, just sharing a threesome fantasy with your sexual partner (without actually playing it out) can be fulfilling. You asked whether you should ask your wife if she wants to try a threesome or just let the whole subject ride. Ultimately, that's up to you. There is another option, though: it may be beneficial to continue the conversation you've already started. You don't have to decide at this moment whether you are on board with bringing another person into the mix. When it comes to having a healthy and pleasurable relationship, regardless of the number of people involved, honest communication is key!

If you do decide to discuss the topic more, it's okay for you to share your thoughts and concerns about not wanting to invite another man into the mix should you decide a threesome is okay with both of you. You can't be certain whether your wife is interested in adding another man to the mix until you talk about it. It's possible that her fantasy only involves women.

It would be helpful for both you and your wife to express your desires and/or limitations with regards to inviting another person into your lovemaking. Here are some questions that may be helpful to explore (both on your own and with your wife): What, specifically, are your fantasies when it comes to adding another person? What part of the fantasy turns each of you on? Can the other partner be accepting of that fantasy?  If you do decide to bring in a third, what about safer sex issues? Are certain sexual acts off-limits? What happens if two of the three people involved pair off and exclude the third? Is it desirable and/or pleasurable for one person to be the voyeur and not participate? When you do start to find women who might want to be involved in a threesome, do you both have to be turned on to her? What if one of you isn't? Do you have friends that you can ask to join you? Or, does it have to be someone neither of you knows beforehand?

Answering these questions may help you to decide if and how you should involve another person. You may even discover more about your partner or yourself through this experience, bringing each of you to a new level of understanding and pleasure with regards to each others' sexual needs and desires!

As far as where to find a third person, there are a number of online resources available for people seeking different types of sexual encounters. And, don't forget to think about people you know as possibilities. Whether you decide to remain a party of two or open the door for more, talking with each other and setting some ground rules may enhance your already great sex life!

Alice!
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