How can I give a long distance relationship a good go?

Dear Helpless,  

“Absence makes the heart grow fonder” is a proverb for a reason, right? Between the distance and your partner’s new journey, there may be some challenges that lie ahead in your relationship; however, distance doesn’t have to be a deal-breaker. As you mentioned, LDRs may not be the easiest to maintain. That said, distance can work for some relationships. This can depend on the strength of the relationship before distance is introduced, as well as the personalities of the individuals involved. Given that you’re thinking about both your needs and those of your new partner, it seems like you two are off to a strong start. There are lots of creative ways to keep the spark alive even when you and your partner are miles apart, ranging from timeless to trendy. Besides, both of you may find that physical distance might help strengthen your communication and trust.  

What are some unique challenges of long-distance relationships (LDRs)? 

Beyond distance, another issue to consider in maintaining a LDR is that your potential partner is beginning a journey that you’ve just finished. Starting college is a big life transition and a time of growth, new opportunities, and meeting new people. It’s a time when people are learning about themselves and what they want in relationships. For some college students, numerous romantic relationships can start and end during this period.  

Some other challenges associated with LDRs include:  

• Financial strain due to travel 

• Managing time differences if in different time zones 

• Difficulty negotiating boundaries between local friends and distance partner
• Jealousy and infidelity
• Ignoring, dismissing, or misinterpreting relationship problems 

Again, this doesn’t mean that you can’t make your relationship work. But you may want to talk about expectations and concerns you may have before the relationship progresses. 

How can you make an LDR work? 

If you do decide to pursue this relationship, there are many ways to help it thrive. Here are some tips to keep the spark alive:  

• Discuss expectations and needs: When you first begin an LDR, it may be a good idea for both of you to discuss your expectations for the relationship. Are you seeking short-term or long-term commitment? How often will you be able to do in-person visits? This can also be a good time to discuss how often you want to talk and what times work for both of you.
• Prioritize communication: Physical distance can sometimes make a relationship seem more casual, so try to identify and stick to scheduled meeting times. That said, it’s important to be respectful and understanding of each other’s time zones, work hours, and energy levels. After a long day, it’s possible that you or your partner may need some time to decompress before talking. Sharing details from your day—no matter how mundane—can also help you to feel involved in each other’s worlds. 
• Tinker with technology: Texts, phone calls, video chat, and social media are all useful ways to stay connected. You could send your partner a picture of the sunrise from your window or a fun article you read. If you’re in different time zones, consider exploring apps that allow you to leave messages or photos that your partner can view when they’re free.
• Consider snail mail: Who doesn’t like receiving letters and cards? Physical mail, care packages, and flowers can have an intimate and special quality that sets them apart from virtual messages.  
• Get creative with dates: How about watching a movie together on video call? If you like to cook, you could try making the same dish together and comparing how they turn out. Dress up for each other, light some candles, and enjoy the meal you both prepared! Perhaps you could take up a hobby together, like knitting, yoga, or learning a new language.
• Maintain independence: Keeping busy can help to keep the blues at bay when your partner isn’t free to talk. Spending time with loved ones also helps you to build and maintain a strong support system, which may be just what you need when the relationship gets tough. 
• Consider different forms of intimacy: Maintaining sexual and physical intimacy from afar can be challenging. But there are ways to keep the flame going using messaging apps, video calls, and mail. Not everyone may feel comfortable with digital intimacy though, so it’s best to establish boundaries around photos, phone sex, and webcam use. 
• Agree on degree of monogamy: Will the both of you be monogamous? Do you prefer an open relationship when apart but exclusive commitment when you’re in the same location? Are you open to the idea of your partner being physically intimate with other people but not romantically involved with them? Defining clear boundaries and re-visiting them along the way can help to maintain trust in the relationship. 
• Notice reciprocity: Do both of you call, text, and initiate dates? When you’re in another person’s real space, you may be more likely to sense the ebb and flow of the relationship because you have information that comes from daily interactions, nonverbal communication, and physical intimacy. Noticing these things over distance requires both of you to pay more attention and be willing to talk about it. 
• Work on establishing a timeline: Indefinite distance can feel draining. If it feels appropriate, you might consider talking about when and how you might be able to share a zip code. 

Open communication, mutual effort, and trust can help to nurture your relationship like a seedling. With some effort (and a little luck), it may just blossom across the distance.