Dear Alice,

I have a fiancee who likes to masturbate in secret, even though we have sex five or six times a week and sometimes twice a day. Is she sexually dissatisfied with me or is it a compulsion to masturbate?... Should I dig deeper into this or leave it alone?

Dear Reader,

People's masturbation patterns are pretty unique to them. Some masturbate less when they have a partner, some do it more, and still others go on masturbating at the same rate they did when they were single. Solo sex is often independent from partner sex . In other words, if your fiancee is satisfied with the quality and quantity of the sex she has with you, (you might want to pop her this question, too), her masturbation may have nothing to do with you.

Have you thought about talking with your bride-to-be about the sex you share? If her masturbating is supposed to be a secret, perhaps confronting her about it wouldn't be the best way to get answers to your questions. If you believe your sex lives with each other are happy and healthy, then why is her private pleasuring a problem? It would surely be interesting to learn more about her thoughts on some or all of these subjects. Your fiancee may have new things to tell you about herself, and might even share feelings she has about you. Since she is someone you are planning to marry, it might make sense to take the risk and talk with her about these important relationship issues -- including what you both think of as "public" or "private."

Alice noticed that you call your partner's masturbating behavior a compulsion. Perhaps it's just a pattern, something she's done for years -- maybe long before she met you. Related to the compulsion thing: if you are the one initiating sex five or six times a week -- sometimes twice a day -- is it possible that your fiancee thinks you have a compulsion for partner sex? Just something to think about....


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