Dear Alice and Nice Guy or Fool?,
I am in my final year of University and I have dated my boyfriend for 5 years. In high school, we did everything together, but everything changed when we...
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Dear Alice,
I have been involved in a relationship with my girl for over a year now. We both love each other and are very happy. We met in college and spent the summer together in an apartment. Both of us have two years of college left, but unfortunately we do not attend the same school. The problem is that I fell "in love" with her by the end of the summer and then suddenly we were separated.
We had many discussions about our relationship and she told me that she is not ready to commit to eventually be married one day. Here is where the problem is: I starting college this spring and my girl is stuck in Maine. I just want to know if I am wasting my time on a long distance relationship with no promise of resulting in marriage after our college years. The thought also occurred to me that when she starts college, will she be so committed to this long distance relationship? I just don't want to be played for a fool.
—Nice Guy or Fool?
Dear Nice Guy or Fool?,
So does absence really make the heart grow fonder? You are faced with a question that many have considered over the ages. Long distance relationships are hard, even when the couple has been together for a long time. The idea of carrying on a long distance relationship and worrying about whether or not there is, or might ever be, a commitment can be incredibly stressful.
Have you and your girlfriend discussed monogamy? How about the future after you both complete college? And yours and her short and long term goals? Is it possible you are conjecturing what your girlfriend is thinking, and that it's time for you two to talk? You likely want to focus on questions like: What do you each want out of your relationship? What are you each getting out of the relationship — now, in the past, and in the future? What are your needs in a relationship? Are they being met across the distance? Can they be met over time? What are the terms to which you are both willing to agree to continue this relationship across the miles?
You have many choices — you can both agree to be monogamous and see what happens; you can both agree to be monogamous and make a commitment to get married in two years; you can both agree to see other people and see what happens; you can agree to see other people, with the idea of making a commitment solely to each other in two years, etc. The key here is that you need to make this decision together. It may be a painstaking process, especially determining the details of your agreement; but, if you can both spend some time exploring the questions you have about the relationship and then generating feasible solutions, you should be able to come to a compromise that you both can accept.
If it helps, you can try to think of it all as a big experiment — if what you first decide to do isn't working for one, or both, of you, go back to the drawing board and redefine your terms. Relationships, near or far, are a constant process — and a lot of work. If you are both willing to do that work, then your relationship has a better chance of lasting the years of separation.
Best of luck clarifying your needs and goals together,
November 6, 2006
Dear Alice and Nice Guy or Fool?,
I am in my final year of University and I have dated my boyfriend for 5 years. In high school, we did everything together, but everything changed when we went to different Universities and had to go the LDR path.
The beginning had its ups and downs. Overall, it was stressful only seeing each other for 2 days on the weekends and having the pressure to get along well, connect and be in love.
I think we still held on to the past amazing memories of high school. I have learned now not to live in the past.
Another major point of LDR is TRUST. Since he crossed the line about once a year with another University girl, my trust was quite low. It opened the door to jealousy and sarcasm on my end. My motivation for visits became meeting whatever girls he has as friends and seeing my threats, not being in love and spending quality time with him.
The real defining moment came when we went on third year University exchanges. After that, by our fifth year of dating, the relationship was way too stressful, turbulent and intense. We had become our own individuals and gone our own separate paths. I am very career-oriented and am looking for a full-time job soon after graduation. He is starting another exchange in Asia and plans to do more traveling for the next few years and go to University part-time.
It has been incredibly hard to face the music that we are no longer hand-in-hand on the same path, but it must be done. I am not saying all long distance relationships are doomed, but I do believe that they are very hard for young people. He was always tempted by others. I found it hard to concentrate on school and see him at the same time. It was also hard to provide emotional support and time. I now see why he was tempted — there were so many girls on campus, and I have no way of competing, miles away.
August 11, 2006
I'm a veteran of several LDRs, even one that went through two long-distance phases before we eventually got married. Did these LDRs "work"? Well, yes and no. I'm tempted to say they worked too well.
In my case I think I stayed in those relationships out of insecurity. I was too scared of being alone in the world to take the hint that maybe if we were on separate continents it was time to start seeing other people. For me, being in a virtual relationship with a romanticized partner was easier than the hard work of building a real-world relationship with someone I saw every day. The LDR that led to marriage ended a number of messy years later in divorce, in part because of patterns of deception and miscommunication that we established during our long-distance phase. We would have been better off if we had broken it off when we had the chance.
I'm sure that my experience isn't universal and I'm not trying to judge other people's LDRs. I'm just saying that it's good to look at your motives and ask not only whether you can make a long-distance relationship work, but whether you should.