Afraid to have sex?Originally Published: December 23, 1994 - Last Updated / Reviewed On: March 2, 2001 |
Share this |
Hi Alice,
My girlfriend and I have been going out for more than two years now. I am a first-year student (eighteen years old) and she is seventeen. We haven't had sex yet, but during the last year and a half we tried pretty much everything there is besides it. I really feel this is the right time, but when I try to talk to her about it, all she says is that she is afraid. She says it is not that she does not believe in losing virginity before marriage, she is just afraid. I don't want to pressure her, but I just feel that maybe I am not the right person for her or something. What should I do? Thanks.
—Curious
Dear Curious,
Why not let things be where they are for the moment? Is there something special that you think will happen the moment you first have intercourse? You can continue to pleasure each other as you have, making each other feel safe and secure in your relationship, and then, at another less stressful point later on, approach the subject again. What might she be afraid about? Is it pregnancy? HIV? Other sexually transmitted infections (STIs)? If it's any of these, you both can make an appointment to see a health care provider together and discuss having sex. You can also read books together to learn more about your sexuality. The Boston Women's Health Book Collective's Our Bodies, Ourselves for the New Century is a good book about female sexuality, and, at the moment, the best book about male sexuality is Bernie Zilbergeld's The New Male Sexuality.
Your girlfriend may just not be ready. If you can respect that, it will go a long way toward creating trust.
